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Worst Week Ever!: Nov. 27-Dec. 3

By Danny Cross · December 4th, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!

White People Live Too Long

Black people in Cincinnati don’t live as long as white people, and if you follow the logic of many conservatives it’s probably because black people don’t work hard and then make bad decisions, leading to unhealthy lifestyles and having to live in parts of town that don’t have grocery stores. Well, this explanation is racist and contradictory (what about all the black athletes that make a lot of money by playing hard?). The Enquirer today detailed how in some parts of Cincinnati there is as high as a 20-year difference in life expectancy between citizens of predominantly black neighborhoods and wealthy white neighborhoods. The data came from the Cincinnati Health Department, which analyzed death records by Census tract, finding that people in poor neighborhoods have a life expectancy of 66 to 68 years, while wealthier Cincinnatians expect to live between 83 and 88 years. Cincinnati Health Commissioner Noble Maseru said the city intends to work toward greater equity in this regard, though he refused to admit that reducing the life expectancy among whites would make this happen sooner. 

County GOP: Stop Making Political Things Political

Sometimes public officials do embarrassing things; just consider how many bags of pretzels Charlie Winburn ate during last week’s City Council vote to defund the streetcar without Democrats calling him out on it — that type of thing is personal, between only him and whoever might have been able to hear him crunching into his microphone. That hasn’t stopped local Democrats from pointing out a potentially embarrassing situation involving Hamilton County Prosecutor Joe Deters — they allege that he voted improperly several times during recent years when he was coming down like a hardass on voter fraud, a crime that barely ever occurs but discourages Democratic-leaning constituents from voting. Hamilton County Republican Party Chairman Alex Triantafilou, called the allegations political and noted that Democrats are just mad about how bad the GOP made them look when they put a woman in jail for five years for voter fraud, which wasn’t political because it was way less embarrassing than the prosecutor committing the same crime he puts people in jail for.  

Cranley Snubs Dems Hard

John Cranley doesn’t hesitate to speak his mind on things, a trait that The Enquirer noted in its super-awkward endorsement of him for mayor and likely contributed to his decision to stop into the CityBeat office on Opening Day last year to stand in front of our keg and make everyone feel awkward respectfully discuss issues he had with a recent story.

Cranley was similarly quick to take offense when media asked during his campaign whether he was still really a Democrat, considering he was endorsed by typically GOP-supporting organizations and opposed Democrats’ main projects. Cranley last week did his best to put concerns over his party loyalties to bed, if by putting to bed you mean waking up in the middle of the night and giving the city’s Law and Public Safety Committee chair to Independent Chris Smitherman, whose main publicy safety experience is drawing pictures of cop cars on a markerboard as part of anti-government presentations no one could understand. 

Pope Writes Big-Time Essay

Most people didn’t think much about the Catholic Church getting a new Pope this year — unless he knows how today’s young people are able to eat little pieces of acid and then go to the bar and act normal, he will likely have little to offer us about the future of humanity or our lifestyles. But it turns out that Pope Francis was out to surprise a brotha last week when he published a 50,000-word essay criticizing the world’s wealth disparity and mentioning things like “idolatry of money” and “a new tyranny” while sharply criticizing trickle-down economics. Francis actually wrote the English phrase “trickle-down,” an American concept commonly used by conservatives to support deregulating industries and lowering taxes for corporations, thus allowing those wielding economic power to give some wealth back to us as part of a cycle that has never worked at all. Francis also wrote in favor of less excessively top-down Catholic governance, a greater female presence in the church and for those at the local level to stop making themselves look like assholes over womens-rights issues. 

COAST Leader Wants Tax Breaks for His Non-Gay Business

An April 2013 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggested that people who are the most hostile toward homosexuals might be that way because they themselves have same-sex desires (it also found that some homophobes might just have had really authoritative parents; another good reason to put a penis in your mouth to get back at them). We at WWE! pay attention to this sort of thing (mostly because several uncles think we might be gay because we never bring a girlfriend to family Christmas and wear really tight T-shirts — PRETTY MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF GAY, BUDDY), so it made a lot of sense last week when we heard that COAST lawyer Chris Finney asked for tax credits from Clermont County to open a law office at the same time he was trying to stop Cincinnati from giving tax breaks to Pure Romance. The potential hypocrisy was reported by The Business Courier because it begs the question of why Finney has opposed same-sex rights for decades and whether he secretly wants to have sex with tax credits.  

Amazon Invents Delivery Robot

There are times when rich people seem to only be on this earth to get in the way of progress and secure tax breaks for themselves while blocking them for companies whose products might be used during gay sex. Other times, a rich guy invents useful stuff and spends his life trying to come up with more things that could help people, like resurrecting a once-prominent newspaper or making it easier for people to get things off the Internet. Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, who recently purchased The Washington Post and soon afterward realized he will need to invent something really good to keep it in business, last week showed off his latest endeavor: flying robots that deliver packages to homes in 30 minutes. The robots are drones and do not need humans, which will decrease shipping times and costs while reducing the number of car accidents caused by FedEx drivers leaving their trucks idling in the middle of the road while customers sign the little tracking robots they use today.

CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com



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