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Worst Week Ever!: Nov. 20-26

By Isaac Thorn · November 26th, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!
voices_wwe 11-27Stranger than fiction

Macy’s Learns About Internet Commerce Via Teenager’s Insult

Macy’s chief executive Terry Lundgren described a bold new future to investors at the Morgan Stanley Global Consumer Conference in New York last week. While the chain will continue to close stores that aren’t meeting sales goals, technological improvements have made shipping more efficient and increased their website’s ability to appeal to different types of shoppers. Managing inventory online for all of Macy’s 850 stores makes it easier for shoppers to find what they want and helps the merchandise arrive at its destination more quickly. Online ordering and in-store pickup options are being tested at a few store locations, with positive results thus far. Lundgren described the impetus for Macy’s increasing its online commerce options, saying, “I honestly didn’t think that was going to be a big initiative for us until my daughter said: ‘Dad, you are totally uncool — you don’t have this service in your store.’” Macy’s has also started playing Clear Channel radio and expanding its offerings to millennial customers between the ages of 13 and 30. Lundgren concluded his remarks at the conference by crediting his teenage daughter for explaining to him that it is now possible to order pizza online using your personal home computer, which is something he looks forward to giving a shot in the future.

Local Stadium Deals Are Bad, Having Pro Sports Teams Still Definitely Worth It

To keep local sports teams from moving to places like Jacksonville, Fla., or Baltimore, sometimes residents have to shoulder the bill of building them new stadiums. Take Cincinnati, for example. For the third time in four years, Hamilton County homeowners will have to pay more property taxes than promised by the vote that approved construction of the county’s baseball and football stadiums. To ensure that Cincinnati’s much-loved sports teams didn’t run away and end up wearing teal or purple jerseys, voters approved a plan to fund the stadiums that promised homeowners a tax break equal to 30 percent of the amount collected from a half-cent sales tax increase.

But in 2013, the owner of a $100,000 house will save $35 instead of the $70 they were promised. While it does seem like the owner of a business should have to have to pay for the new stadium and not the fans, the deal in place is still preferable to not having a place to go berate Andy Dalton even though he’s the second-best quarterback the Bengals have had in the past quarter-century.

Too Many Rich People in Mason Want New Homes; Lottery to Determine Who Gets One

If you had upwards of $300,000 burning a hole in your pocket and wanted to buy a brand new house on the site of a golf course to relax and be rich in, you wouldn’t be the only one with that stellar idea. Demand for homes on the old Western Row Golf Course in Mason has been so high that it is estimated that 550 prospective buyers are vying for the 125 units available in the palatial development. Plans for the development include 12 acres of green space, a community park and walking trails. Practically non-existent crime rates, a stellar school system and proximity to Kings Island are just a few of the enticements that life in this soon-to-be-built community offers. One potential drawback is the new zoning restrictions, which require that the firstborn male child conceived in each new house must be named Tyler, Cameron, Tanner or Connor.

Costco Labels Bible as “Fiction,” Hoarding Pastor Gets Mad

Costco is a beautiful place with restricted access that offers up free samples of things that blow people’s minds like macaroni and cheese nuggets and crab cakes. People love shopping there. Like all large chains, unfortunate things happen at stores from time to time that people get upset about. A pastor visiting a Costco in Los Angeles came across copies of the Bible that were labeled as “fiction” and tweeted a photo of the offending label to his congregation. Costco apologized and blamed the “mislabeling” on one of its distributors rather than entertaining the idea that all the wacky stuff described in the Bible probably didn’t happen for real. Costco vowed to correct the problem and to also cease labeling the Hunger Games and Twilight merchandise because it’s not just for teens because people of any age can enjoy them and it doesn’t mean that they aren’t good at reading or are stupid.

McDonald’s Advises Employees to Sell Possessions and Cut Their Food Up More

McDonald’s isn’t all bad. They’ve managed to create the McRib, a sandwich so good that even the bones are made of meat. They also have the freshest Coke products. Where they end up falling into the “Wow, what a bunch of assholes!” category involves advising employees they barely pay to apply for food stamps and other recent postings on their McResource site. Some of the best nuggets (HA!) McDonald’s offers to its employees include: “selling some of your unwanted possessions on eBay or Craigslist could bring in some quick cash” and “breaking food into smaller pieces often results in eating less and still feeling full.” Another tip from the McResource guide advises the poor to “stop complaining. Stress hormones rise by 15 percent after 10 minutes of complaining.” McDonald’s plans to wait until closer to the holidays before unfurling Phase Two of its employee assistance initiatives:  “Craigslist Adult Sections: Your Transition into the Sex Industry.” The intention is to highlight this and other ways people who are suffering because of unconscionably low wages to get by, including advice such as, “Dumpster diving is economical and trendy. They do it in all the big cities,” and, “Put makeup on your arms at the plasma center so they’ll let you donate again.”

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com



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