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Worst Week Ever!: Nov. 6-12

By Danny Cross · November 13th, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!
wwe 11-13"Four score and seven years ago..."
City to Build Entire Streetcar Before Cranley Takes Office

Anti-streetcar champion John Cranley might have won the mayor’s office in a landslide victory on Nov. 5, but the city administration today proved that it won’t let go of its streetcar project without a fight, if by fight you mean a minimally increased cancellation cost and less construction traffic for a couple weeks. Project executive John Deatrick last week said crews might start working on the streetcar around-the-clock in order to minimize disruptions to traffic, though he insisted that the decision has nothing to do with the recent election of a mayor who plans to cancel the project no matter how much money it wastes and how dumb it makes the city look. The additional shifts are expected to reduce construction-related traffic to a couple days instead of two weeks and allow construction workers the veil of darkness under which they will hide weird stuff in the ground for their friends to find if Cranley makes them dig it all back up next month. 

Big Government Sets Market-Crushing Regulatory Sights on Trans Fats

The traditional tenets of capitalism maintain that the goddam big government should stay out of marketplaces and let good ideas and products be judged by how well they do in the free market (if God wanted us to die with both our lungs he wouldn’t have created cigarettes). Unfortunately for the deregulators, the Food and Drug Administration’s decade-long consideration of whether trans fats are good and frozen pizzas are bad or if it’s the other way around has come to a conclusion, and trans fats are getting the boot. The FDA says the reasoning is pretty simple: Trans fats have no nutritional value because they’re scientifically created to make food last longer and they contribute to 20,000 heart attacks and 7,000 deaths per year. The pretend food apparently fails to qualify under the FDA’s “generally recognized as safe” designation unlike most additives giant companies use to make food seem normal after it’s been put inside a plastic bag and driven halfway across the country to your grocer’s freezer. 

Unscientific Survey: Foreign People Think We’re Nice

There are only so many ways to learn what other people think about you: one is to smoke marijuana and look in the mirror (spoiler alert: the person in the mirror hates you); and another is to ask foreign people who have spent time in your culture if they were surprised by anything.

An article on digital magazine Thought Catalog last week detailed a number of things people from outside America were surprised by once they moved here, ranging from the expected (“Grinding. The dance form.”) to mildly surprising (how well sales associates treat customers) to very surprising (if borrowing power in Europe isn’t regulated with several different credit scores then how do people take home TVs from Best Buy without paying?). The results were largely positive, although one guy said he was extremely disturbed by a religious pamphlet someone gave him in New York that said Satan would be waiting in the subway if he didn’t give him $5.  

NKY Republican: Paul’s Plagiarism Is Liberal Media’s Fault

Those of us who thought the term “liberal media” died sometime around the time Sarah Palin quit her job as a politician to write books and say crazy stuff on TV (maybe that was actually the beginning of the end? RIP liberal media...) were happy to learn today that a Northern Kentucky Republican is still blaming those bastards (wait, is that us?) for the stupid things conservatives are doing. In response to Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul relying a little too heavily on the copy-and-paste tool in Microsoft Word (try the thesaurus, bro) and being exposed as a plagiarist for quoting the plot of Gattaca right off the movie’s Wikipedia page, the chairman of Kentucky’s Fourth Congressional District said the only reason people are talking about it is because the liberal media has an agenda to minimize Republican candidates for president. Troy Sheldon went on to blame Paul’s speech writer and said the potential GOP 2016 presidential candidate doesn’t even watch sci-fi movies because they’re too scary. 

Tom Cruise Compares Acting in Dumb Movies to Important Work

Everyone knows that jumping on Oprah’s couch like a complete dumbass is the mark of someone involved with a cultish religion that emailed CityBeat last week in response to our writer referring to it as nonsensical or a much younger woman destined to leave him after she realizes her dad was right about people who incessantly quote Top Gun (“That’s right — I am dangerous.” *Chomp*). Famous actor/Scientology guy Tom Cruise last week got himself in the type of heat Maverick was facing when he did that flyby even though the air boss told him not to (“Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full and I’m drinking some coffee right now so don’t do it, seriously.”). Celebrity stalker magazine TMZ quoted Cruise comparing his time spent on movie sets to tours in Afghanistan, which prompted a note from Cruise’s lawyer arguing that it was taken out of context because Cruise said, “Oh come on” before describing how brutal his traveling and work schedule is. Cruise was deposed as part of a $50 million libel suit against a magazine that claimed Cruise abandoned his daughter and incorrectly identified his magic skull diamonds as cubic zirconia ash trays. 

No News Is Good News

We at WWE! give The Enquirer a lot of crap for sucking at things, but it’s not necessarily our fault because we get paid to do it and it’s super easy and makes everyone laugh. NEVERTHELESS, we are also inclined to give credit where it is due, and on Veteran’s Day our city’s Sole Surviving Daily came through with a couple of relevant pieces: one on how difficult it is for Butler County veterans to get help from the county’s veterans services commission and another on how the GOP-passed budget will result in districts with mostly minority students receiving less state aid than white schools. CityBeat had already detailed in July the kind of shit show the governor’s budget was going to make of the state’s education funding, but the increased attention is expected to force Gov. John Kasich to reconsider such unfair policies for fear of The Enquirer someday reporting predictable flaws in his legislation before it gets passed, hurts poor people and doesn’t matter anymore. 



CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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