There aren’t many people who expect good news after being audited — too many receipts to dig up and questions about whether you did things the right way when you thought you’d never have to prove it. Former Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis probably saw this day coming when his handpicked successor lost last year’s election to Democrat Jim Neil, who campaigned on pretty much doing things the opposite way Leis had done for 25 years. Neil promised voters he would audit the Sheriff’s Department, likely because he didn’t want to be responsible for an organization that for a quarter of a century played political favoritism, failed to promote career employees, used outdated technologies and didn’t properly train its staff, all issues noted in the audit released last week. The results were surprising even for those paying attention during Leis’ 25-year reign, which reportedly involved running the department like the Marine Corps. and hanging out in the parking lot at 5 a.m. every day to scare the crap out of new hires.
Rand Paul’s Son Proves Loyalty to Father by Drinking Underage
They say you can take the boy out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the boy. And even though no one actually knows who “they” are, the suggestion that people tend to act like people they grew up around makes sense when considering today’s news that Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul’s 20-year-old son said the hell with society’s rules and drank beer at a Lexington, Ky., horseracing track. It is unclear whether the Libertarian’s son — who is old enough to vote but hasn’t quite lived long enough to enjoy horse racing to its fullest extent by getting wasted while watching it — will pay the $25 fine or go to court Nov. 15 and make his father proud by telling the judge that he’s a waste of taxpayer money.
‘Enquirer’ Calls Qualls “Feisty,” Makes Cat Fighting Sound
Those of us who have feminist friends learned long ago that doing sexist things can be subtle and result in painful arguments in public against people much smarter than you. This doesn’t fully explain why last week we saw a story that sounded kind of sexist — The Enquirer’s suggestion that mayoral candidate Roxanne Qualls’ campaign has become “feisty” — and then asked a male colleague if he thought it was inappropriate at all (if the dude we asked is gay does that make it better or worse?).
NEVERTHELESS, the corresponding story related a number of campaign talking points Qualls has been using during the final weeks of her campaign against John Cranley, all of which seem pretty normal for someone strategically arguing that someone else’s ideas are dumber than her own. Qualls reportedly “attacked” Cranley for missing meetings (“meow…”), being admired by COAST (“roar!”) and promoting the idea that city politicians don’t care about neighborhoods (“oh, no you didn’t…”). The Enquirer also suggested that Qualls’ references to Cranley being “very, very short on facts” was a veiled knock about his height, though it is assumed that editors toned the accusation down after the writer tried to bring up the size of Cranley’s shoes in relation to other body parts.
Bass Pro Shops Moves to West Chester, Adds More Weird Stuff
We at WWE! take great pride in our long history of childishly and hurriedly thoughtfully and intelligently mocking local newswriting, politics and people who are mean when they don’t have to be. If there were some type of grievance we could file against today’s news that Bass Pro Shops is moving to West Chester and adding a restaurant called “Uncle Buck’s Fishbowl and Grill” and a fishbowl-themed bowling alley, we would do so, as there is seemingly no way to suggest that these ideas are dumber than they sound in a normal report (although the line, “Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World, considered a big catch when Forest Fair Village landed it in 2000, is escaping to West Chester” was a valiant attempt by The Enquirer). The new location will apparently be a little bit larger than the current store, which its owners say will give customers more opportunities to imagine themselves using expensive bows and guns to kill animals the way their ancestors did back when West Chester was a bunch of farms and country roads instead of Wendy’s restaurants and hunting superstores.
Creation Museum Says New Dinosaur Skeleton Proves Jesus Lives
Humans don’t like when they can’t control things — even just the threat of a big snowstorm causes people to spend mass money on gross stuff like canned foods and water in case they get stuck in their house (what’s wrong with tapwater and lunchmeat sandwiches if your family has to stay inside for a while?). Kentucky’s Creation Museum is one of the best organizations in the area when it comes to controlling its messages no matter how difficult they are to believe, and today its leaders said their new dinosaur skeleton proves that the big flood in the Old Testament really happened. According to a geologist who works for the museum and brings shame to his college professors on a daily basis, the dinosaur’s intact skeleton was buried really quickly, which can only happen when God smites the whole world at once. When asked if a drowned creature might be similarly preserved after however long Christians think the world has existed, the geologist reportedly said he didn’t know but that if there were other fish bones found near the site it means God turned them into dust for swimming backward.
Newspaper Asks Question Its Reporter Already Answered
People who write headlines for the Internet have learned a number of new tricks to get readers to click on stories they don’t really care about, the most common of which are top 10 lists, “How X became Y” and “Here’s the real reason something happened for a reason you probably could have guessed.” The Enquirer has recently taken up another popular way of disingenuously titling online stories — posing questions about things reporters have presumably already answered. For instance, the simple answer to last week’s online headline, “Could Kroger buy more supermarket chains?” was, “Yes, of course it could; this is goddam America ain’t it?” A corresponding point and click revealed that, in fact, an Enquirer reporter learned that the grocery store is totally already buying more stuff, reporting that, “Cincinnati-based Kroger is about to close on a $2.5 billion purchase of upscale Harris Teeter, and is always on the lookout for the next great deal.” Enquirer subscribers are encouraged to be on the lookout for a follow-up story that will legitimately ask what Kroger cashiers are talking about when they tell customers how many fuel points they have because no one actually knows what that means.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org