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Worst Week Ever!: Oct. 2-8

By isaac Thorn · October 9th, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!
wweGet out of here, Sloopy!

Walmart Finds New Way to Look Like Assholes, Surprises America

Halloween is coming up soon, and that means you’ll probably get roped into attending a party and binge drinking to avoid thinking about if it’s dumb or not to be in costume at your age. When people need things but are willing to settle on shitty-quality goods for the sake of saving a few dollars, they go to Walmart, and spooky costumes are no exception. There are still a bunch of different ones for sale at the chain store, but if you haven’t already purchased the tasteless and offensive Osama bin Laden costume, the ship has sailed on that opportunity. Walmart pulled the bin Laden get up after condemnation from the Sikh Authority, which noted that “if you lost a loved one during the 9/11 attacks or during our nation’s war against Al Qaeda, or if someone attacked your father in a hate crime because he wears a turban, I doubt this costume would make you comfortable.” Others have proposed that Walmart offer their workers’ blue vests for sale as a “Forced Onto Government Assistance Because We Work for the Distribution Wing of the Chinese Government and Don’t Get Benefits or Fair Wages” costume. In the meantime, Walmart plans to hold off on the nationwide release of the “Denver Theatre Shooter” and “Sandy Hook Slayer” costumes until they get feedback about how they are selling in limited sample markets across the United States.

Students and Athletes Come Together to Call Theater Department Gay and Homo

An ugly scene unfolded at the University of Mississippi when the Ole Miss theater department’s performance of The Laramie Project last week was disrupted by hecklers who made homophobic remarks. The Laramie Project details the murder of Matthew Shepard, a University of Wyoming student who was beaten to death for being gay in 1998. A faculty member told reporters that derogatory slurs were being used toward the cast members and the characters they portrayed. According to the Daily Mississippian, about 20 football players who were enrolled in a freshman-level theater course were in attendance because they were required to attend a certain number of plays. They apparently also thought inciting other audience members to insult the performers with hate speech was part of the experience.

The University of Mississippi is reportedly outraged by the conduct of some of its student athletes and plans to start requiring members of the theater department to attend a certain number of Ole Miss football games each year where they will sit behind the players’ bench and loudly question why the Rebels haven’t been able to win their conference since the year John F. Kennedy got killed. 

Sixth-Graders Turn Common Phrase into Something About Sex, Shocking Administrators

People who talk about Geico commercials are dumb, unless they are still children. The sixth-grade class at Vernon Middle School in Connecticut took their appreciation for the company’s talking camel advertisement celebrating “Hump Day” a little too far, leading faculty to ban students from saying it. The school became fed up because students weren’t just saying “Hump Day” on Wednesdays, making it a disruptive everyday thing. Some parents believe the school’s restriction of the phrase is too harsh, pointing out that there is nothing wrong with making it “Hump Day” every day while they still can, since once they get older and married and have kids “Hump Day” happens as infrequently as holidays.

Politician Reminds House that Military Terms Don’t Aptly Describe Shutdown Mess

Rep. Brad Wenstrup, a Republican from Columbia-Tusculum, last week urged his fellow members to choose their words more carefully while pointlessly blabbering about the federal shutdown. Recent idiotic comments made by politicians from both parties referencing “terrorists,” “jihad” and having “bombs strapped to our chests” have crossed the line from political incompetence to insulting. Wenstrup disapproves of the heavy-handed rhetoric being used and would prefer that more appropriate terms like “chaos,” “looting” and “struggle for daily survival” be used to describe what will happen after America defaults on its debt obligations and more facets of our society’s identity fall into disservice and disrepair.

Steps Introduced to Celebrate Ohio State Fans’ Favorite Song

Not everything going on in American politics these days makes you wonder how near the time to begin stockpiling food and water is. For instance, an Ohio lawmaker has created a bill to make “Hang on Sloopy” the state’s official Rock song. The hit song from 1965 is played at every Ohio State University game and was recognized by Ohio’s legislature as the official Rock song in 1985. Democratic Rep. Michael Stinziano of Columbus wants to ensure that the song remains in its official capacity permanently. He noted that solid bros all over the state love the song and that no matter how many times the Reds played that “Cincinnati, Ohio” song between innings and put the lyrics up on the Jumbotron for everyone to see nobody ever sang along.

Picture Me Rollin’: Cincinnati Rail Cars’ Design Revealed

Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory revealed renderings of the rail cars designed for the streetcar route to about 200 supporters during an Oct. 7 rally at Christian Moerlein’s brewery in Over-the-Rhine. The $133 million project has taken forever to come together and has been debated a lot between people who live in the heart of the city and would like to see it built and those who live on the outskirts of town and like to leave comments on cincinnati.com about how there are too many violent crimes and minorities downtown. The streetcars will have an orange, gray and white color scheme, and street-level floors will make boarding and exiting them easy. The cars will also feature a nearly all-glass front, which upset some supporters who wanted the front of the cars to be emblazoned with “Hi Haters!” in graffiti-style writing on the front and “Bye Haters!” on the rear end.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com



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