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Worst Week Ever!: Sept. 25-Oct. 1

By Danny Cross · October 2nd, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!
wweGOP: "Fuck Authority!"
Mayor’s Race Divides Local Democrats Literally, Figuratively

Sometimes there are tricks of a trade that the average person just doesn’t understand. Take the pizza delivery industry, for instance: Ever wonder why your pizza slices won’t come apart when you try to eat them? It’s because you did something to piss off the delivery driver (probably tipped poorly or let your little dog bite him and laughed) and he told the cook not to cut your pie all the way through so it would get all messed up when you tried to eat it an hour and 30 minutes later. The Enquirer today performed the equivalent of a guy who still listens to 311 getting one over on you when it used a Buzzfeed-style list to demonstrate a “decidedly split” local Democratic party during this year’s mayoral race. A quick scroll past the brief intro offered something that seemed more like relevant Democrats supporting Roxanne Qualls (every Democratic incumbent on council; the current mayor) versus John Cranley’s list that includes the non-Democrats on council (Republican Charlie Winburn; Independent Chris Smitherman), Democrats whose family members are being paid by his campaign (State Rep. Alicia Reece; former council member Laketa Cole) and two former Democratic mayors who haven’t done anything in local politics in a long time. Qualls also has endorsements from typically Democratic-leaning organizations like Sierra Club, Equality Ohio and unions, while Cranley has the Cincinnati Area Board of Realtors and the local daily newspaper that still takes streetcar opposition seriously. 

Pasta Manufacturer: Gays Should Create Their Own Type of Food

What are you supposed to do when you’re a rich guy who thinks a woman’s place is in the kitchen and the liberal media comes down on you for saying you don’t want gay people to eat your company’s pasta? In the case of Guido Barilla, chairman of the Barilla pasta company, you apologize in a number of different ways, each demonstrating that you’re a bigger dick than the last time you tried to get everyone to stop boycotting your product. According to AMERICAblog, a journal about U.S. news, opinion and politics that often includes gay rights issues because for some reason we are still arguing about them, Barilla started the drama by telling an Italian radio show that his company won’t include gay couples in advertisements because it “likes the traditional family,” adding that gays “can always go eat someone else’s pasta.” During a series of apologies, Barilla reportedly said that he meant no disrespect to homosexuals and only wanted to “highlight the central role of the woman in the family,” which of course goes unfulfilled when two men live together and neither can act like a sexist jerk because it would be hypocritical. 

TANK to Ask KY Legislature for Larger Tiny Fraction of Funding

It sucks to be a poor person almost anywhere — even in a place like Sweden where social services and upward mobility are among the best in the world you still have to be around a bunch of socialists who are going to spread your money around if you ever get any.

The Kentucky Enquirer today reported that one service that almost exclusively serves the needs of low-income people — the TANK bus system — is in pretty serious need of funding, and Northern Kentucky officials plan to ask the state to fund more than just the 1.4 percent of the TANK budget it currently pays, perhaps moving toward the national public transit funding average of 24 percent. If the state provided 25 percent of the national average contribution, it would amount to 6 percent of TANK’s budget and represent more than four times what it currently receives from the state, but such a proposal will never be presented because no one in Frankfort can understand such complicated math due to the state underfunding its schools in a similar manner. 

Local News Stations Restructure After Broadcasts Mistaken for Parodies of News Coverage 

There are things you can almost guarantee will be on the local TV news if for some reason you find yourself stuck watching it (probably because you did something stupid like forgot to pay the cable bill or tried to get an oil change on a Saturday). They are: things on fire, poor people committing crimes and things about people in the community doing something nice :). Apparently local TV news stations are about to start taking their work seriously, according to an Enquirer reporter who somehow has gotten paid to write about TV for about 20 years. John Kiesewetter today detailed staff changes at Cincinnati’s four TV stations, including one new owner, two new GMs and several anchors changing stations and timeslots. While one news director said his station planned to “break through the clutter” and “provide useful information for once,” none would comment on whether Tricia Macke will continue to be encouraged to call women with short haircuts men since there is still a large part of the station’s audience that feels tickled by such comparisons. 

GOP Disappointed After Anarchy Fails to Ensue During Government Shutdown

There are plenty of reasons to believe a government shutdown could be a good thing: Wild West style lawlessness; the potential to relate to a Libertarian; GOP leaders looking like adult babies (wearing diapers). The Enquirer today pointed out that America’s governmental dysfunction is not all fun and games, however, as 15,800 local government workers are no longer getting paid, along with 2.6 percent of the national civilian workforce. Although the story’s first example of how the shutdown will affect locals was kind of weird (since when do elementary school students go on field trips to Washington, D.C.; and what’s the difference if they see Mount Vernon or some other racist’s giant house?), the story offered a helpful list of government agencies that are on indefinite fall break, including the tone of each agency’s voicemail stating that messages will be returned once John Boehner gets his head out of Mitch McConnell’s asshole. 

CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com



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