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Worst Week Ever!: June 12-18

By isaac Thorn · June 19th, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!
wweCool pond!
WEDNESDAY JUNE 12

Part of being a Cincinnatian is reading about the same local issues over and over again for long periods of time before anything happens or changes. Currently, one of those issues is the streetcar and the importance of deciding once and for all if it sucks or not. Today’s Enquirer featured an informative interview with a travel consultant/author named Jarrett Walker. Walker hails from Portland, Ore., (which is a prerequisite for those who wish to be paid handsomely to travel to the Midwest and tell everyone how nonsensical their transit ideas are) and made several salient points during his sit down. Amongst them was his assertion that bus transit is a better way to get around town. Cincinnati’s hilly topography is cited as a reason that buses are a better idea than streetcars, although the expert concedes that either mode of transportation is likely to smell like half-smoked cigarettes and sautéed onions during the warmer months of the year.

THURSDAY JUNE 13

Duke Energy is more than an evil company that once hired armed thugs to attempt to violently quell a workers’ strike in Harlan, Ky. (allegedly). In addition to similar veins of community outreach, the energy monopoly today extended a friendly warning to their Tristate client base regarding storms that may impact them. Duke’s “comprehensive emergency response plan” was being hyped up in advance of incoming storms that might disrupt service. Customers were being advised to call Duke’s service line if they lose power or bring up its website on their smartphones so they can see a big ass map of Ohio accompanied by text explaining the number of people currently without power and the wide array of possible timeframes it could take to restore it, starting with 1-2 hours and working up to, “Your house gone, bro.”

FRIDAY JUNE 14

It’s OK to prattle on about the evils of animal testing and not being vegan ad nauseam, as long as the company you have a lucrative licensing deal with is the one spraying whatever they feel like into captive animals’ eyes and not you.

That’s what the world found out today when Stella McCartney inked a deal with P&G’s beauty division, which is valued at $20 billion. The annoying British fashion designer and daughter of some guy from the Beatles appreciates the customer support her brand has received. Also, McCartney wants the public to know that there will still be plenty of time for her to talk about being an animal rights activist regardless of what monolithic corporation she partners with to get more money or what kind of sadistic things they do to animals.

SATURDAY JUNE 15

Local pond supplier Meyer Aquascapes today announced the details of its 12th annual Pondarama (it will take place on June 22-23). Man-made streams, waterfalls and ponds located in backyards around the Tristate will be made available for tours. Organizers want everyone to know that this is a “can’t miss” event for those you don’t already have enough dirty water and mosquitoes in their backyards.

SUNDAY JUNE 16

The Muppets from Sesame Street today introduced a new character named Alex whose father is incarcerated. Since we live in the nation that imprisons a higher percentage of its populace than any other in the goddamned world, it makes sense to reduce the stigma attached to this aspect of our society. More alarming than the fact that one in 28 children in America have a parent who is incarcerated is the revelation that Alex is the first character on Sesame Street to have a parent locked up since everyone just always assumed that Oscar the Grouch did.

MONDAY JUNE 17

Former football player and name changer Chad Johnson got out of jail today after apologizing for slapping his attorney on the butt during a hearing stemming from a domestic violence case. Former teammate Terrell Owens (who is equally unable to find a job in the NFL) described Johnson’s release from jail as an occasion worthy of celebration, since it was “different than being released by football teams for not doing shit on the field.”

TUESDAY JUNE 18

Edward Snowden today continued his white-hot streak of embarrassing those who seek to oppress our Constitutional rights and turn America into a dark surveillance state. In response being called a “traitor” by Dick Cheney, Snowden characterized the barb as the “highest honor you can give an American.” He also described Cheney as the “man who gave us the warrantless wiretapping scheme as a kind of atrocity warm-up on the way to deceitfully engineering a conflict that has killed over 4,400 and maimed nearly 32,000 Americans, as well as leaving over 100,000 Iraqis dead.” The former vice-president has not issued a response yet but would like Snowden to meet him for a quail hunt at a South Texas ranch in the near future.



CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

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