Many women in Cincinnati have bad times at sports bars. The people inside of them often yell at the TV or prattle on about how the managers of local teams should be fired because they are stupid. In response, Horseshoe Casino Cincinnati has decided to open an upscale restaurant and sports bar called Heraea catering to women. The bar will offer a less rowdy atmosphere than its competitors, along with a menu it describes as “classic American food with whimsical twists.” The code of conduct at Heraea also caters to the ladies by prohibiting male guests from attempting to compare the glory days of their limited high-school athletic experience to what the professional athletes on TV are doing.
THURSDAY MAY 30
Magician and weirdo Criss Angel today announced plans to perform a stunt in South Miami-Dade, Fla., that calls for him to be covered in blood and chum and then suspended above 250 alligators. Living up to the reputation his influential cable TV show Criss Angel Mindfreak created, the magician will have his neck, hands and ankles shackled together. If something goes wrong, he will probably get eaten alive. Admission to see the stunt in person will be free. This development came after promoters figured out that nobody would pay to see Criss Angel unless the alligators were set up near trampolines or other tools to help them achieve maximum elevation and hopefully make some real magic happen.
FRIDAY MAY 31
There’s nothing that shows the progress this country is making toward ending racism quite like people getting all pissed off about a cereal commercial featuring a family whose members have different ethnic backgrounds. So many genius YouTube commenters left hate comments on a video of a Cheerios commercial featuring an interracial family that the commercial’s comment section had to be shut down
SATURDAY JUNE 1
A fight during a kindergarten graduation ceremony in Cleveland today made national news. The brawl broke out after refreshments were spilled, which is exactly what the little kids had spent the past year learning you aren’t supposed to do. Eight people were arrested and charged with inciting a riot, and a hammer was recovered at the scene of the melee. The Cleveland Board of Education condemned this incident, calling it regrettable and embarrassing. It also warned the kindergartners that their college graduation ceremonies will be way worse because the commencement speakers will ramble on for hours and explain exactly what percentage of life is the things that happen to you, what percentage of life is what you make of it and there will be no refreshments or jobs available.
SUNDAY JUNE 2
According to the Boy Scouts of America, Southern Baptist churches sponsor nearly 4,000 Scout units representing more than 100,000 youths. These figures are expected to decline in light of the organization’s decision to abandon homophobic practices. Tim Reed, pastor of First Baptist Church of Gravel Ridge in Jacksonville, Ark., explained his decision to cut its charter with Troop 542 by saying, “God’s word explicitly says homosexuality is a choice, a sin.” People who don’t want their kids to be Boy Scouts have been encouraged to join a Southern Baptist group called the Royal Ambassadors. It’s kind of like the Boy Scouts, but instead of, “to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight,” their oath is, “to dutifully inform others that they have stupid parents.”
MONDAY JUNE 3
Military leaders today said that sexual assault within its ranks is “like a cancer.” They also noted that rape is bad for morale. An analysis by The New England Journal of Medicine determined that other than cancer being a group of diseases involving unregulated cell growth and rape being a vile and disgusting act perpetrated by one human upon another, the army’s assessment of the plague of sexual abuse within its ranks was pretty much spot on.
TUESDAY JUNE 4
The Creation Museum will soon open a zip line and sky bridge course. Answers in Genesis, which runs the museum, said the zip line course was added to the museum to give it a more scholarly feel and denied that the idea of putting them in was originally entertained as a more efficient means to eject visitors who make snide remarks about how stupid it is to think that cavemen and velociraptors used to play beach volleyball together and that biblical history is the key to understanding dinosaurs when there are mass videos on the Internet about that stuff.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: email@example.com