Some people would rather go to jail than have to set foot inside a mall. Thanks to a recently announced event by the Springdale Police Department and several other local agencies, the two experiences will become more alike starting next week. The Law Enforcement Expo slated for later this month will offer the public a chance to see the tools used by police on display and learn more about the intricacies of their line of work. Fingerprint kits, badge stickers and other kid-friendly items will be passed out to attendees. Plans have also been announced to hold a similar event at Tower Place in June, at which attendees of all ages will be given the chance to shoot officers’ service weapons at the tumbleweeds blowing through the deserted downtown shopping destination.
THURSDAY MAY 9
Macy’s joined the long line of retailers pledging to improve safety at the factories producing the store’s wares after a garment factory in Dhaka, Bangladesh collapsed two weeks ago and killed more than 800 people. Although no Macy’s products were produced at the factory where the disaster occurred, the company was concerned enough about its affiliation with other Bangladesh factories that spokesman Jim Sluzewski released an email statement promising that the company will “continue to work with others in the industry to address the safety problems that have unfortunately resulted in several tragedies.” Despite the horrible human toll of using sweatshop labor from third-world countries, Macy’s will not discontinue manufacturing in Bangladesh, although the retail giant does hope that said sweatshops do not implode or collapse anytime soon so that they will not have to feign interest or concern related to the lives lost while producing dirt-cheap goods overseas which make them mountains of money.
FRIDAY MAY 10
Politicians in the Bluegrass State are asking retailer Urban Outfitters to quit selling flasks, shot glasses and other overpriced trinkets that look like prescription pill bottles.
Kentucky Republican U.S. Rep. Hal Rogers believes that the products trivialize and mock the difficult battle some people have with prescription drug addiction. Urban Outfitters has not responded to calls and emails seeking comment on the matter. Some see the dorm room supply company’s refusal to comment on this questionable merchandising choice as lazy and terrible public relations work. However, others view their silence more as a “we are run by a billionaire dickbag named Richard Hayne who donates to Rick Santorum’s Gay People Are Sexually Deviant Criminals efforts so why should distasteful things our company does surprise you?” sort of thing.
SATURDAY MAY 11
The good part about disliking lots of things becomes evident when one thing you hate does something deplorable to another thing you hate ... which begs the question of which of the two intertwined and stupid objects of your disdain is worse. Sometimes it’s hard to tell. That’s the situation many people find themselves in after learning of the Internal Revenue Service’s practice of singling out and haranguing conservative political groups during the 2012 election to see if they were violating their tax-exempt status. Organizations got singled out for including words like “tea party” or “patriot” in their applications for tax-exempt status, according to Lois Lerner, who leads the IRS division that oversees tax-exempt groups. It is alleged that the IRS requested donor lists from some groups and subjected others to “lengthy, intrusive questionnaires.” Such questionnaires are against IRS policy and ultimately unnecessary since all the tax agents needed to do to befuddle tea party crackpots was require them to say one nice thing about President Obama on their application for tax-exempt status.
SUNDAY MAY 12
Two things about living in Cincinnati are certain: The streetcar project will continue to be talked about but not built because we have no money, and local yokels will propose cutting and closing parts of what makes this city great. These two certainties collided today, with City Manager Milton Dohoney disclosing that we’re more than $17 million short on funds to construct the streetcar and Cincinnati Parks spokespeople proposing the closure of Mount Airy Forest and many other awesome local greenspaces. Concerned locals took to Facebook in response to a post by the Cincinnati Park Board outlining its suggested cuts should the budget cuts move forward as proposed, resulting in a range of misguided anger from the streetcar (different budget) to professional athletes (what the [expletive] did Joey Votto do?!?) to Gov. John Kasich (good point, actually). Plans have been set in motion that would potentially alter the streetcar’s route and use its first voyage to deposit all the nitwits who have misspent all of our money and deposit them in an abandoned park to fend for themselves, although most Cincinnatians appear to be leaning toward blaming Obama and moving on with their lives.
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