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Worst Week Ever!: May 1-7

By isaac Thorn · May 8th, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!
wwe_sarahpalin-sombreroWorst Cinco de Mayo, ever.
WEDNESDAY MAY 1

People love to complain, and one of the old standbys when doing so is feeling tired. In response to everyone always whining about feeling tired or hungover, many food companies have begun producing snacks with caffeine added to them. In the near future, finishing a bag of potato chips meant to feed a kids’ soccer team in one sitting won’t make you feel as saturated and sleepy. That’s because enough caffeine will be dumped into the bag to keep those feelings at bay. The Food and Drug Administration is monitoring the marketing and production of caffeinated foods in order to figure out how safe they are. Michael Taylor, FDA’s deputy commissioner of foods, explained on Monday that the only time the agency has ever approved the added use of caffeine in a food or drink was in the 1950s for soft drinks. He also reportedly called the new trend of adding caffeine to all manner of foods and drinks “beyond anything FDA envisioned.” Taylor added that he looks forward to the day when food and drug regulation is turned over to Monsanto, since “keeping track of what everyone is allowed to or supposed to eat is a real pain in the ass.”

THURSDAY MAY 2

Flight reductions at Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport have cost the region 33,000 jobs and $1 billion in annual economic activity, according to The Enquirer. CVG’s downsizing and empty terminals are going to be economic burdens for the Tristate for a long time, according to a new economic impact study by the University of Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky University used to come up with these astounding figures. However, the study did note that the effects of this disastrous business decision could be lessened by marketing the benefits of the ghost town-like environment at the airport and its fewer screaming babies and shorter lines at security checkpoints and Cinnabon.

FRIDAY MAY 3

Sarah Palin and her husband Todd were scheduled attend a fundraiser at the Headley-Whitney Museum in Lexington, ky., during Derby weekend.

The couple was also rumored to be attending the Derby as well. Museum director and curator Amy Gundrum Greene told the Lexington Herald that this year’s catered brunch would have a “slightly Mexican” theme, since the event was scheduled for Cinco de Mayo. The curator then politely declined to explain just how “slight” the amount of Mexican culture and food has to be at a party in America in which people pay money to hang out with Sarah Palin.

SATURDAY MAY 4

In response to a reduction in cigarette sales (partially due to thousands of purchasers dying every single day), some farmers in the heart of tobacco country have begun growing chickpeas as a bumper crop. The chickpeas would be used to produce hummus, of which popular brand Sabra sold $315 million worth last year. Distributors point to the fact that producing chickpeas closer to Sabra facilities would reduce transport costs and help the company better meet consumer demand. Sabra Dipping Co., which is owned by PepsiCo Inc., also believes that when weed becomes legal in all 50 states within the next decade people are going to be eating a lot more hummus and drinking a lot more soda than they do presently.

SUNDAY MAY 5

President Obama was the commencement speaker at Ohio State University today. He urged the more than 10,000 graduates on hand to be mindful of their duties as American citizens and to actively participate in their country in the upcoming years. The more than 57,000 attendees at OSU’s football stadium heard the president state that democracy is still cool and that as citizens it is our job to figure out what we can do for the country through the admittedly frustrating work of self-governance. President Obama then moved on to the other central point of his speech, which was an emotional plea to the graduates to not say “THE Ohio State University” when asked where they attended college because it makes everyone think you are a jackass.

TUESDAY MAY 7

Internet activist group Anonymous planned to launch a distributed denial of service attack against many financial institutions today, which could render online banking services unavailable for some time. This kind of attack floods sites with extremely high volumes of traffic, which overwhelms servers. Banking and credit card companies are doing their best to address this potentially volatile situation and promise that their customers will soon be able to resume opening their online banking information, seeing the paltry amount of funds available, squirming in their computer chair for a second and then paying their bills and going right back to having not enough money to do anything fun.



CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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