Covington City Commissioner Steve Frank last week apologized for an expletive-filled rant on Facebook about Covington firefighters and other people who anger him. Although Frank is not a fan of using paragraphs, he is a proponent of the mixed metaphor. Those linked to him through social media were made aware of this by the “fuck Local 38 and the ship they rode in on” section of his missive. Frank has been described by The Enquirer as “oft-combative” and admits to drinking alcohol in the timeframe between the end of his four-hour meeting with firefighters and the publication of his hot-fire rant. He added that his apology “has nothing to do with consequences, it’s just a personal thing. I guess the lesson is not to go on social media after I’ve had a cocktail.” Frank also hopes his recent misstep can be shaped into a lesson for the politicians of tomorrow, which is that blaming alcohol for your actions is a great way to issue an apology without having to really mean it.
THURSDAY APRIL 25
A fifth grade student from Cupertino, Calif., was recently recognized for thinking ahead and bringing a small Swiss Army knife on a weeklong school-sponsored camping trip. The multi-tool instrument comes in handy often out in the wilderness, where the student will have more time to frolic after being suspended and threatened with expulsion for bringing it along. School administrators have noted that the student they busted with the knife was also found to be in possession of multiple tent spikes, a flashlight and other dangerous items.
FRIDAY APRIL 26
Kings Island kicked off its 41st season of operation this week, and this year visitors will be delighted by the park’s new dinosaur exhibit and The Reds Hall of Fame Grill.
The sit-down restaurant offers air-conditioning, Reds memorabilia and an open kitchen so visitors can get up close and personal to hear all the four-letter words the kitchen staff utters each time the Reds strike out 11 or more batters and inadvertently cause them to have to make like 40,000 free pizzas for people.
SATURDAY APRIL 27
When they’re not busy stopping and frisking black people to make sure they aren’t criminals, the NYPD does a lot to promote equality and brotherhood within The Big Apple. As a result, supervisors on the force have been instructed not to be mean to redheaded cops. The New York Post reports that the official anti-bias message makes clear that complaints about discrimination against officers with red hair “would be supported by federal law, which bars workplace bias against applicants and employees based on race, national origin, skin color, religion, sex or disability.” Lawyers for the NYPD are unsure if this new statute prohibits making fun of former NYPD Blue actor David Caruso, noting that enforcement of that part of the law would be impossible.
SUNDAY APRIL 28
Best Buy announced today that it will no longer operate in Europe and that it will sell off its stake in a joint venture there. Since all of the other big box electronics store have gone the way of Circuit City, it’s hard to make sense of this move. Analysts point to the recession overseas as a big reason for Best Buy’s decision to close down shop in Europe, while other factors contributing to the retail giant’s retreat include its hesitance to match online prices and the unsettling realization that most Europeans aren’t stupid enough to purchase extended warranties and tech support that they’ll never use.
MONDAY APRIL 29
Cincinnati police were kept busy today searching for a large monkey on the loose near Union Terminal. Witnesses on the scene said the primate ran through a tunnel near Dalton Avenue. The police were unable to locate the fugitive but did ascertain that a Ringling Bros. train was moving through the rail terminal behind Union Terminal around the time reports of the loose monkey started coming in, but a spokesman for the circus said the train wasn’t carrying monkeys. Officers were called back to the scene later in the afternoon after receiving a call that 150 clowns had climbed out of one of the train cars and started blowing balloon animals and squirting water from their corsages down in the rail yard.
TUESDAY APRIL 30
Albert Einstein famously warned of the day when technology would make douchery too convenient, and the development of Budweiser’s microchip-powered Buddy Cup speaks to his point. The Buddy Cup is magical because when tapped with another one of its kind, the people who clink their cups together can immediately become Facebook friends. An enhanced version of this product will be available soon, which will enable you to friend fellow drunkards with the clink of a glass and immediately hide them before their constant postings in your feed make you want to delete them.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: firstname.lastname@example.org
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