It’s hard to imagine anything good coming from making music with a cast member of CSI Los Angeles. As a result, many people have criticized Country musician Brad Paisley for his new song “Accidental Racist,” featuring LL Cool J. The song sucks and features socially insightful lyrics such as “If you don’t judge my du-rag/I won’t judge your red flag/If you don’t judge my gold chains/I’ll forget the iron chains.” Paisley has stated that he wanted his most recent masterpiece to “evoke feelings.” He would also like to point out his song’s great potential for increasing unity, since white and black listeners alike will think about how they would jam in their ears rather than hear it again.
THURSDAY APRIL 11
The Colerain Elementary School PTA’s dance teacher recently retired, creating a job opportunity for an “experienced ballet/tap/jazz instructor to teach fundamental dance skills” to students. The job posting details how the new dance teacher will be expected to craft lesson plans, communicate with the PTA and parents and perform a wide variety of functions. Preferred candidates will have an extensive educational background and experience attending school functions and giving hard looks to students who dance too closely together.
FRIDAY APRIL 12
The Frisch’s Big Boy mascot/child scarer shed a claymation tear today, as Frisch’s Restaurants Inc. disclosed that their net income in the third quarter fell almost 38 percent from last year. Put another way, profits from this span of time were 34 cents per share this year, as opposed to 57 cents per share in 2012
SATURDAY APRIL 13
According to the Transportation Security Administration, travelers have left more than $500,000 (nearly all in change) behind at airport checkpoints in the last year. At the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport, flyers have left more than $4,900 in the past three years. Aviation experts have lambasted the release of this information to the public and hope its spread will not result in travelers offering to give surly TSA agents whatever denomination of money required to expedite the process of having their junk scanned and/or grabbed on.
SUNDAY APRIL 14
Some of the people who care about golf are upset about the putter used by Adam Scott to win the 2013 Masters. The club, referred to as a “broomstick” putter, has a shaft so long that it rests under his chin. The contraption offers an unfair and ungentlemanly advantage in the eyes of many. As uproar continues to grow over the club choice of the Australian champion, many are looking to golf’s governing body for a response. The PGA plans to hold a press conference later this week during which it will explain how even though Augusta National Golf Club didn’t admit a black person until 1990 and a female member until last year, the PGA is very committed to fair play, equality and other words which mean that sort of thing.
MONDAY APRIL 15
Believe it or not, a cruise ship full of people are miserable and pissed off. In the most recent case of this happening, a seven-day Caribbean cruise on a Crown Princess ship turned real un-fun after the toilets stopped flushing. The ship’s “vacuum toilet system” malfunctioned, leaving 410 stateroom toilets inoperable for more than 12 hours. Since it seems like every other day there’s a story about poop running down the walls of a cruise ship, it’s getting harder and harder to get customers to accept vouchers for free future cruises where the same sort of catastrophes likely await. As a result, Crown Princess will offer those who refuse to sail the high seas Greyhound tickets so they can hang out near overflowing toilets from the comfort of America’s interstate highway system.
TUESDAY APRIL 16
Anne Heche’s new sitcom Save Me will premiere on NBC next month. The show takes place in a (in this case) fictional affluent Cincinnati named “Indian Hills.” The show’s first episode was taped more than a year ago, but production was halted after the show’s executive producer was fired and replaced. While the show’s creative direction and depiction of the tony enclave haven’t been explained, it has been leaked that the hour-long season finale will take place in a testy town hall meeting where the affluent residents get all bent out of shape because someone proposed making a few living units in the neighborhood eligible for Section 8 renters.
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