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Worst Week Ever!: April 3-9

By isaac Thorn · April 10th, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!
story_contest_wonton_1Nice pet!
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WEDNESDAY APRIL 3

Weed, gay marriage, what’s next? Apparently, the next liberal trend to sweep the nation will be bringing your pet along to work with you so you can both be miserable and underpaid together. The American Pet Products Association estimates that 17 percent of U.S. companies allow employees to bring their pets to work and that 2.3 million dogs are taken to work each day. Locally, Procter & Gamble’s P&G Pet Care is one of the more pet-friendly companies. Their facility in Mason includes an on-site dog park, canine conference rooms and separate elevators for two or four-legged folks. A recent study conducted by Virginia Commonwealth University suggests that allowing employees to bring pets to work reduces stress and improves morale at the office. No one has voiced any opposition to the pet policy at P&G Pet Care. Even those with severe pet allergies would prefer to have their coworkers bring their pets into the workplace instead of leaving them at home and talking about them all damn day like they do things that are somehow extraordinary and worth sharing with others.

THURSDAY APRIL 4

Time reported today that an Australian mining mogul wants to invest some of the money he made taking things out of the earth and use it to put something really stupid on it. Clive Palmer will create a fantasy dinosaur park on a resort he owns along the coast north of Brisbane, Australia. The park will hold the world’s largest dinosaur exhibit, with 165 animatronic creatures that will arrive later this month. Palmer would like to open his resort to the paying public soon but hasn’t yet settled on whether the dinosaurs in the park will dress like Crocodile Hunter or The Bushwhackers.

FRIDAY APRIL 5

When you’re too crazy for Fox News, you’ve accomplished something.

After two and a half years at local Fox affiliate WXIX, Ben Swann has reached this point. A few months after his idiotic “Full Disclosure” YouTube report questioning the police account of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting went viral amongst the aluminum foil hat-wearing crowd, the time has come for Swann to start on his next adventure. The anchor hasn’t announced his next plan yet, but swears that he isn’t just lying low until something terrible like a shooting or terrorist attack occurs so he can use his ample hair grease and cold, steely logic to posit that they did not really happen.

SATURDAY APRIL 6

The Enquirer has solved the mystery behind the billboards we’ve been seeing around town that ask people to vote for either Barack Obama or George W. Bush to be added to Mount Rushmore. The Outdoor Advertising Association of America (OAAA) put up the billboards and web links in Cincinnati, Phoenix, Sacramento and San Antonio, but they turned out to be part of a fake campaign. A spokesman for OAAA admitted that “the campaign was a research project developed to measure consumer response.” Although many people were upset that they fell for this rouse, the fake ad campaign has given Cincinnati City Council the idea to create a Cincinnati version of Mount Rushmore that will feature Pete Rose, Roxanne Qualls and Jerry Springer bookended by two cheese coneys.

SUNDAY APRIL 7

Liberty Township Trustee David Kern last week voted against applying for a grant that would aid in the construction of sidewalks near the Liberty Junior School crosswalk because he feels it “is absolutely immoral to take money from the federal government.” Kern also believes “what we’re doing is taking borrowed money … and putting it on the backs of our children.” He also hopes his brave stance will teach the next generation of Americans valuable life lessons, such as the immorality of taking federal money to install a sidewalk so youngsters don’t have to walk in the street but that it is not immoral to put a higher value on a bunch of money no one will ever have to pay back than the lives of the people in your community. 

MONDAY APRIL 8

The Louisville Cardinals today outlasted the Michigan Wolverines in college basketball’s men’s national championship game. Both sides played hard, and fans of both teams rejoiced afterwards as they hoped for the sight of Louisville’s Kevin Ware’s snapped and bent leg hanging in the air to somehow start erasing itself from their memories.

TUESDAY APRIL 9

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo has described a pair of big scandals in the state legislature as an “opportunity” for change. Recent attempts to bribe and influence the New York City mayor’s race and the arrest of a state assemblyman could force the governor to overhaul the electoral system and the penalty structure for those who tamper with it. Cuomo also pointed out that without murderers, there would be no opportunity to talk about violent crime reduction.



CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 

 
 
 
 

 

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