Watching TV is usually a huge waste of time, but every now and then a story comes along suggesting that watching the right programs can help save your life. That was the case at Sugarloaf ski resort in Maine, when a 17-year-old skier got lost over the weekend and survived two nights in the frigid cold by using skills he said he learned from watching TV. The lost skier told the press he avoided freezing to death by building a small snow cave and burrowing inside to stay warm. The rescue team applauded his quick thinking and has asked the state tourism board to explain to the rest of the nation that Maine residents do not usually hibernate in snow banks to make it through the winters up there.
THURSDAY MARCH 7
The American thing to do is buy an even bigger and more expensive TV than the one you already have even though it works just fine. Fountain Square, located in America, will soon follow this cultural imperative. Fifth Third Bank and the Cincinnati Center City Development Corp. (3CDC) have announced plans to replace the current 30.5-foot by 42.5-foot wide screen with a higher resolution video display that offers 470,000 pixels, which is more than three times the amount than the current model has. The new screen, which will be more hi-tech than the ones at Paul Brown Stadium and Great American Ball Park, is slated to be completed by Reds’ Opening Day April 1. In an effort to deflect criticism of the new screen on Fountain Square, Fifth Third and 3CDC have released a statement explaining that because this year’s Opening Day game doesn’t start until 4:10 p.m., everyone who has been day drinking in anticipation of the event would have had a difficult time seeing the game clearly on the old screen.
FRIDAY MARCH 8
Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law will be tried in federal court in New York City instead of in a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay, a decision which has drawn the ire of many Republicans who view the defendant as an enemy combatant who should be held in military custody.
It also brings to light President Obama’s unfulfilled promise from the campaign trail back in 2008 to close Guantanamo Bay’s detention center. Federal prosecutors believe they have an airtight case against the accused but “hope like hell” things at the trial stay on topic so they don’t get put in the impossible position of trying to explain why the FAA thinks it’s OK for people to bring knives aboard planes again.
SUNDAY MARCH 10
Cincinnati has finally figured out how to get the issue of its controversial parking lease before voters without using confusing language that further complicates the issue. A “yes” or “no” question regarding the ordinance has been approved and will likely be put forth to voters in November. Once this issue makes its way onto the ballot, Hamilton County politicians plan to begin a debate on which way is the correct way to hang toilet paper from the dispenser in county buildings, the next important decision on the docket and one they say will take between six and 12 months of complaining and arguing to determine.
MONDAY MARCH 11
Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick today canceled a series of book signings because of “credible threats,” according to his publisher. Worthy Publishing, a Tennessee-based Christian publishing company, explained today that Vick wanted to continue appearances to promote his book about redemptions and second chances despite warnings of planned protests, but they reportedly escalated into threats of violence against retailers. The dog-killing quarterback spent nearly 18 months in federal prison for his crimes but has been trying to rehab his image since his release. Since Vick’s book tour isn’t going to happen, publishers are reportedly considering featuring a Carson Palmer book tour during which he will shake your hand, autograph your book and then throw it right to a guy on the other team.
TUESDAY MARCH 12
People don’t usually care about abandoned buildings until someone proposes tearing them down. Such is the case with the Goetz House in Clifton, which most people know as the home of Christy’s and Lenhardt’s. Christy’s recently went out of business, which started the talk of knocking the building down. In addition to the group who wants to save the Goetz House, another petition group has formed, this one with no problem losing the old mansion but still seeking an apology from whoever tore down the Taco Bell that used to be across the street from Christy’s.