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That's What Craigslist Is For

By Danny Cross · March 12th, 2013 · We, As Humans
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If there’s one thing that Facebook is good for, it’s learning about stuff that’s happening on the Internet. My colleague Mike Breen recently posted a humorous comment along with a story he shared titled, “Mother Tried to Sell Her Kids on Facebook for $4,000.”

Mike’s take: “What an idiot! That’s what Craigslist is for!”

I didn’t even click on the link (I did break my boy off a “like,” though) because it reminded me of how many really crazy things you can find on Craigslist, from strange missed connections to apartments you could never afford to straight-up ridiculous trade offers. 

I decided to click around on the site a bit to see if anyone was trying to trade a can of mini-ravioli his wife mistakenly bought, a classic 1-for-1 offer my brother found years back (guy preferred the regular size; hard to blame him).

It didn’t take long to find some weird stuff, possibly because I started in the Missed Connections section. The first one was titled, “looking for my walgreens man - w4m,” and was about some dude in Hamilton who runs game on the lady working at Walgreens using some type of “little gestures.” The post read: “You come in all the time and we make little gesters (sic) at each other but i only know your name and i want to know more. If this is you give me your name or which walgreens i work at.”

Another guy, at Longhorn Steakhouse in Florence, Ky., impressed a woman with a badass sweater. She wrote: “To the handsome man at Longhorn Steakhouse, Friday night around 6:30, I just wanted to say ‘hi.’ We didn’t speak because we were with other people but our eyes sure spoke. What color was my dress and what color was your sweater?”

It was too difficult to get out of the Missed Connections section. Another, this one in the “M creeping on W” section, was too terrifying to pass up: “You took my virginity at the storage facility - m4w (Southern OH).” 

Is there anything sketchier than seeking out a long-lost storage-facility lover? 

I finally clicked back enough times to get another shot at some cool new services and deals.

It was difficult to keep from staying inside the Personals section, especially with “Casual Encounters” right there for the viewing, but I felt like I needed something else — a tangible offer of something so invaluable that it’s not even worth posting on Craigslist. 

I found it in the Electronics section.  

Someone is selling some kind of charger for a Nintendo Wii for $10 because he forgot to include it when he sold the video game system. This is actually the type of thing you’re supposed to use Facebook for — give it away to someone willing to burn up the three gallons of gas the thing is worth to drive over and pick it up. This friend has to live close, though, because you can order one on overstock.com for $12.66. 

My favorite Craigslist premise is the dude who ruins a late-model automobile with thousands of dollars worth of ugly-ass aftermarket parts and then tries to sell it for its normal value plus all the money he put into it while living in his parents’ basement in Colerain.  

I started by searching for Honda Civics, because redneck gangsters are known to tear those things to pieces, but I found too many newer ones still out of the price range for teenagers so eager to add a spikey-looking bumper they can’t save up for a decent regular car.

My next search was the Nissan 240sx — kids also tear the shit out of those — and, sure enough, there was one posted for sale on March 9. It’s a 1992 model for $4,000 and the photo was taken in an AutoZone parking lot. “Almost completely rust-free,” this 21-year-old coupe with 190,000 miles on it comes “slammed on powered by max coilovers, rota 17x8.5 wheels.” 

Whatever that means. 

It also has new tires, but only in the front. 

The Kelly Blue Book value of one of these things a year newer (the site doesn’t offer values on cars more than 20 years old) is $1,960 in excellent condition, which this car is not because the dude replaced the trunk and never painted it. The value in “fair” condition is $1,235. (At least he’s willing to trade for “a crv or nice 4 door car.”)

At this point I really regretted spending so much time in the Missed Connections section — there was so much more to check out: Pet Services, Real Estate, Sublets, writing jobs that don’t actually pay anything, etc. 

I’m thinking that if I post a couple of these links on Facebook my friends will add to the collection. Or maybe we’ll cut the roof off a minivan, lower it and then try to sell it for twice as much. It wouldn’t be the craziest thing you can find on Craigslist. 



CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

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