It’s time to say goodbye to America’s ski-masked sweetheart, a man only known by his alias, “Jon.” Before you frantically check your DVR, cursing yourself for somehow missing these mysterious episodes, there is no fourth season with our favorite voice-warped reality show star. Instead, Delocated will end with a single, Bourne Identity-esque 30-minute special (12:30 a.m. Friday, Adult Swim).
Since 2010, we’ve witnessed the trials and tribulations of one man in witness protection with a hankering for fame. “Jon” never let anything get in the way of making his (fake) name known — not even repeated threats from Russian mobsters or the murder of nearly everyone close to him. I think we can all learn a thing or two from this man’s courage.
After being kidnapped by Sergei during last season’s reunion show, Jon awakes on a nasty New York shore, unclear of who he is — the ultimate witness protection? But if Jon doesn’t find help fast, he risks being caught by one of his many accumulating enemies.
Could the aroma of Nicky’s Grinders or some killer skins bring him back? Does amnesiac Jon love a good ‘breve as much regular Jon? Will fans finally get an uncensored look at his unmasked visage? It would be perfect to finally have Jon take off his mask, only to reveal a face that isn’t Jon Glaser’s. Oh, what a ride it’s been with “Jon.” And what a crunch-ry!
WEDNESDAY MARCH 6
Survivor: Caramoan – Fans vs. Favorites (8 p.m., CBS) – Rat hurricane!
Workaholics (10 p.m., Comedy Central) – The guys embark on a late-night road trip for the ultimate breakfast burrito.
Kroll Show (Season Finale, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central) – If there’s one thing I learned from Kroll Show, it’s that Ruxin from The League can definitely be funny on his own.
In this first season wrap-up, Bobby Bottleservice gets entrepreneurial, Liz’s wedding causes tension between her and (other) Liz and Jeff the ref opens a bouncy house business.
THURSDAY MARCH 7
Project Runway (9 p.m., Lifetime) – The teams channel their inner rebellious-teens-circa-1999 and create duct tape prom dresses for high schoolers.
Glee (9:30 p.m., Fox) – The series hits its 500th musical performance in this episode highlighting songs from movies.
The Ben Show (10 p.m., Comedy Central) – Ben forms a band; politically incorrect football coach halftime speech; Norm MacDonald.
Nathan For You (10:30 p.m., Comedy Central) – Nathan offers business advice to a struggling petting zoo and a department store Santa Claus.
FRIDAY MARCH 8
Fashion Star (Season Premiere, 8 p.m., NBC) – Designers pitch their lines to buyers from Express, Macy’s and Saks with help from the fashionably inclined mentors Jessica Simpson, John Varvatos and Nicole Richie. The retail reps make offers on the top designs; if the designer and buyer strike a deal, shoppers can actually purchase the selected look in that store, across the country, the next day. Look out for Cincy-born model Isaac J. Sullivan on the runway.
SATURDAY MARCH 9
Saturday Night Live (11:30 p.m., NBC) – Regardless of how you feel about his music, Justin Timberlake generally guarantees a good episode of SNL. Perhaps it’s due to his Mickey Mouse Club past? JT hosts and performs as musical guest for the fifth time. (Fingers crossed for a digital short with Andy Samberg.)
SUNDAY MARCH 10
The Walking Dead (9 p.m., AMC) – Daryl and Hershel join Rick when he arranges a face-to-face meeting with the Gov (finally!).
Shameless (9 p.m., Showtime) – I can’t believe Karen’s back! After Aunt Ginger’s will hiccup, the Gallagher’s cousin Patrick takes over the family’s house. Veronica’s mom and Kev give it another go. Ugh.
Girls (9 p.m., HBO) – Hannah’s first deadline meeting does not go well. Charlie has an office party, where Shosh avoids Ray and Marnie takes center stage.
MONDAY MARCH 11
The Following (9 p.m., FOX) – FBI assigns a new team leader to the case; Carroll gets a visit from a past follower.
RuPaul’s Drag Race (9 p.m., Logo) – The goils roast RuPaul and celeb judges in front of a live audience.
Burning Love (10 p.m., E!) – Mark plans a pool party to scope out the babes, and later surprises Agnes with a visit from her son (Brian Huskey).
CONTACT JAC KERN: email@example.com or @jackern