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Worst Week Ever!: Feb. 27-March 5

By isaac Thorn · March 6th, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!
wwe_tiger-text-bookUseless.
WEDNESDAY FEB. 27

A group of surgical residents recently took part in an Italian research study that required them to play video games on the Nintendo Wii for five hours a week for a whole month. Afterward, the residents performed simulated laparoscopic (or keyhole) surgery. Those who had been using the Wii performed a lot better than the group of residents who weren’t advised to eat pizza rolls and play videogames all day. Keyhole surgery involves the insertion of little cameras and sensors into people’s lousy bodies so they can be operated on without having to cut them open as much. It’s encouraging to see that Nintendo can help doctors be more skilled at their trade, but the true significance of this study won’t be fully understood until the Italian researchers explain why the surgical residents were only allowed to play Mario Brothers without sounding kind of racist.

THURSDAY FEB. 28

We might not be having Leap Year in 2013, but there is still ample opportunity to bend over to the front and touch your toes here in Cincinnati. The Zumba Nightclub Series and rapper/DJ Lil Jon will provide the tunes for a Zumba class to be held at Bogart’s to be held April 13. Lil Jon’s newest single, “Work,” was created just for Zumba classes and will be the nightclub series’ theme song. Celebrity instructor Gina Grant will give the Southern Rap impresario a chance to explain to attendees how cigars full of weed and prescription cough syrup fit with an active and healthy lifestyle. Grant advises those new to the class that during their first session, “following the steps is pretty easy until you get to the skeet skeet skeet skeet part.”

FRIDAY MARCH 1

University of Cincinnati President Santa Ono recently stopped by Cardinal Pacelli School in Mount Lookout to read to his daughter’s second-grade class.

Lots of parents volunteer to read to students at the school, but the university president’s educational background made him a natural fit to do so. Ono said he wanted to lead by example and help encourage every kid in the region to read. Ono then helped the youngsters prepare for what reading is like during the college years by telling them the new edition of their science book has a panda instead of a tiger on the cover so they all needed to toss the one they currently use and give him $90.

SATURDAY MARCH 2

American schoolchildren seem to always be getting in trouble for things that are cool. This week, a 7-year-old in Baltimore was suspended from school for eating his Pop-Tart in a fashion which caused it to resemble a gun. The boy told reporters he was trying to chew the Pop-Tart into a mountain shape and does not think it’s fair that his education has been put on hold until his punishment is up. Lawyers wanted to pursue litigation over this stupid situation on the student’s behalf, but they quickly cooled on the idea after the boy admitted that if the school administrators didn’t like his gun pastry art, they should check out the wieners he’s been drawing with Toaster Strudel icing.

SUNDAY MARCH 3

The Mars Curiosity rover had to be put in “safe mode” today after a computer glitch caused by corrupted files threatened to impede the exploration vehicle’s progress on the Red Planet. NASA engineers have stabilized Mars Curiosity, but are urging the rover to stop opening emails offering to increase its length and girth or reveal the locations of all the sex-crazed singles in its neighborhood.

MONDAY MARCH 4

Oberlin College suspended classes today after a student reported seeing someone who looked like a Ku Klux Klan member near the college’s Afrikan Heritage House. The person was reportedly wearing a white hood and robe, and his or her appearance comes on the heels of an ugly string of hate incidents on the college’s campus. The student body feels shocked and confused by this sequence of events, and believes its university is now in a “lose-lose” situation, since they either have some dipshit hatemonger or a ghost loose on their campus.

TUESDAY MARCH 5

The National Rifle Association is going to sponsor a NASCAR race at the Texas Motor Speedway in April. This development is part of the gun rights advocacy group’s plan to intensify its campaign against gun control initiatives and people who don’t own “Don’t Tread on Me” flags. It took the NRA a few months to decide what kind of event to sponsor before deciding that one where you make a lot of noise and pointlessly go around in circles was the perfect choice.



CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

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