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Worst Week Ever!: Feb. 20-26

By isaac Thorn · February 27th, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!
voices_wwe 2-27Pope shoes?
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WEDNESDAY FEB. 20

Cincinnati Police Chief James Craig has been in charge for less than two years but admits that he would “consider it” if Detroit offered him the opportunity to take over as police chief there. That position has recently become available after the man who was selected over him for the job in 2010 got in trouble for having an affair with a subordinate officer. Craig wants the citizens of Cincinnati to know that he enjoys his job here and isn’t actively planning to leave. However, he admits that “just as the hieroglyphics found in the pyramids of Giza foretold the presence of aliens and sleek space ships, the depiction of RoboCop which stood for years in Over-the-Rhine foretold of the exodus of your police chief to the Motor City.”

THURSDAY FEB. 21

Even though you should expect a visit to the emergency room once you decide to do anything barefoot, it does make sense to prohibit glass bottles in parks, beaches and other public places. Due to a few thousand people throughout the history of time cutting their feet wide open on broken glass, there are now lots of restrictions on what kind of beers you can bring to certain places in polite society. Perhaps as a result of these legal statutes, Samuel Adams Boston Lager’s brewers, The Boston Beer Co., will begin selling the beer in cans this summer. The company has a brewery here in Cincinnati. Most of the local workers approved of the new cans but still found the brewery’s commercials to have “too many feelings” in them.

FRIDAY FEB. 22

The Kentucky Derby Museum today announced plans to honor Secretariat with a bourbon-themed event in May.

Guests will be able to purchase bourbon decanters depicting the likeness of the legendary racehorse and jockey. The vessels will be filled with a blend of Four Roses bourbon selected by Secretariat’s owner. Similar events won’t be held for all horses who have won the Kentucky Derby in years past. It is rumored that plans to honor Ferdinand, the horse that won that race in 1986, “never got off the ground” after it came to light that he ended up being slaughtered and sold for meat in Japan because from a marketing standpoint, there was really no way to bottle and sell that.

SATURDAY FEB. 23

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has created a free iPad app that lets you “solve disease puzzles” to figure out the origin of the contagion which made a group of people sick. With choices like, “was it the homemade ice cream or an unmentionable accident in the pool?” people will surely learn how to keep themselves and their loved ones healthier in the future. The CDC urges everyone to keep playing with their apps rather than cleaning their filthy apartments and killing the germs covering everything inside of them. 

SUNDAY FEB. 24

BusinessWise today answered a newlywed couple’s request for input on planning the financial aspects of life together and offered some dos and don’ts for them to follow going forward. Having separate bank accounts, financial disclosure and established rules are some of the helpful tips offered in the publication’s response. Some of the don’ts include telling other people what to do with their money and being mean to your spouse if you think he or she has access to enough funds to hire a contract killer.

MONDAY FEB. 25

Pope Benedict XVI recently became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign from the position. Despite this fact, he will still be known as “emeritus pope” and continue wearing the white cassock after his retirement. According to the New York Post, Benedict will no longer wear his trademark red shoes. He’ll instead wear a pair of handmade loafers made for him by artisans in Leon, Mexico, which he has reportedly “taken a liking to.” Benedict will also have to give up his papal ring, which will be smashed into pieces and used to decorate a new compass so he can spend the rest of his days exploring the cool parts of the Vatican. 

TUESDAY FEB. 26

House Speaker John Boehner told his Senate colleagues today that the House will not pass a budget bill until the Senate “gets off their ass and begins to do something.” Boehner went on to add that he has very few ideas about how to bring about a viable solution to the complex problems facing a divided Congress, but that using the word “ass” would at least get the point across that he is very mad about the situation.  



CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

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