The Food Network will soon film an episode of its reality show Chef Wanted at Jeff Ruby’s Precinct, to air at the end of March. The steak magnate and his employees can’t talk about the show until it airs. Despite the gag order, information was leaked which suggested that Ruby only agreed to let the Food Network come check out his celebrated steakhouse after receiving assurances that Guy Fieri wouldn’t show up for no good reason then start running around the dining area with a pair of sunglasses positioned backward on his head like an idiot.
THURSDAY JAN. 31
Russian president Vladimir Putin took a break from wrestling polar bears and using martial arts to defeat tigers today to announce that he has a plan to make everyone want to do it. According to the Moscow Times, “the stylish trio of Boyz II Men, the most successful R&B group of all time, is coming to Moscow on Feb. 6 ... hopefully giving Russian men some inspiration ahead of St. Valentine’s Day.” The Times describes the invasion of Cooleyhighharmony as adding “powerful voices” to the president’s fertility initiative. Putin also pointed out that the Times’ description of Boyz II Men was actually true, and that if you’ve never tried to seduce a woman while listening to “I’ll Make Love To You,” you probably know less about romance than Yakov Smirnoff knew about stand-up comedy.
FRIDAY FEB. 1
If you’re on Death Row in the Bluegrass State, then it might be remotely possible put a little silver lining around the huge thundercloud that is your impending state-sponsored murder. Starting today, Kentucky will use one or two drugs (depending on their availability) while conducting executions by lethal injection instead of the three which were being used previously.
will be used when executing the guilty and those scheduled to die
because of an unfortunate combination of socioeconomic status and
piss-poor legal representation. This new method of delivering the drugs
will help make administering lethal injections less laborious and
time-consuming. It is hoped that reducing the number of drugs used will
help speed things up and reduce the number of executions that get called
off at the last minute because of some rabble rousing group of
evildoers like The Innocence Project.
SATURDAY FEB. 2
Duke Energy and the city will take their dispute regarding relocation of power lines necessitated by the planned streetcar system to court. There’s a lot to be argued about, including how it might be a good thing to have the system in place for the All-Star Game, which will be held in Cincinnati in 2015. The streetcar system is currently slated to be ready in 2016. It’s likely Cincinnatians will still have way too many feelings about this issue when the All-Star celebration takes place three years from now, so council members have started considering setting up some sort of dunking booth/vote-taking device in the Fan Zone to figure out if we’re going to build the stupid transit system or just complain about it forever.
SUNDAY FEB. 3
A quick-thinking wrestling coach from Louisville, Ky., extinguished a fiery car crash he and his sons were involved in near Frankfort by using snow and Gatorade to put it out. The man’s sons escaped serious injury and are “really glad” that their father had Gatorade on hand and not Powerade, because that stuff tastes gross and is only like ten cents cheaper per bottle.
MONDAY FEB. 4
DNA has proved that bones found in a car park in Leicester, England, belong to Richard III. The king was buried after dying in battle in 1485. This scientific revelation garnered more interest on this side of the pond than it would have gotten on any other day, since so many Americans greeted the new week with Super Bowl hangovers intense enough to make them wish they had spent the last few hundred years buried under a parking lot somewhere, too.
TUESDAY FEB. 5
The Boy Scouts of America has decided to realize that a gay guy can play the role of gruff scout leader who probably drinks too much and yells at his kid too often just as well a straight guy. Predictably, Rick Santorum cited the discriminatory ban’s removal as “another example of the left attempting to remove God from all areas of public life.” He also astutely labeled this change something that could be added to a “long list of liberal victories.” Santorum has also asked the Boy Scouts to stop holding their annual Pinewood Derby, because seeing a poorly constructed car finish way behind all the others reminds him of how his 2012 presidential campaign went.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: email@example.com