In an Andy Rooney-esque indictment of hanging out with your friends on the Internet, Bloomberg News columnist Caroline Baum today opined that, “Twitter makes us lazy, Facebook makes us fat.” While admitting that tweeting was kind of fun, Baum wonders if new technologies are productivity-enhancing or just a waste of time. She also points out that she hates on Facebook and Twitter because she thinks social media is lame as a whole, and not because she recently started browsing Reddit and thinking she knew enough to make sweeping generalizations about the users of other sites.
THURSDAY JAN. 3
If you left the house or talked to anyone in the past three weeks, you already know that everyone (and probably you) has the flu and feels like they probably will until April or so. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today said that it fears the spread of the illness is accelerating and has not peaked yet. The agency provides graphics and visualizations depicting flu activity and its spread so that it will be possible for survivors to relocate to whichever corner of the country is least contaminated after it’s all said and done. Although getting flu shots apparently don’t keep people from getting the flu, it is advisable to get one anyway so that your health practitioners don’t have to give the condescending lecture about how not getting one is like not wearing a seatbelt and means that you are stupid.
FRIDAY JAN. 4
What’s more important than addressing the rapid decay of America’s educational system, which will eventually result in our nation’s demise? If you guessed “putting God and Jesus into the curriculum” you are correct, according to Sen
SATURDAY JAN. 5
According to The Jerusalem Post, a subsidiary of Israel’s IDE Technologies Ltd., an industrial “water solutions” company, will soon begin work on a $922 million plan to design a seawater desalination plant in San Diego. The plan, called the Carlsbad Desalination Project, aims to provide the region with 7 percent of its water from seawater. Afterward, the technology firm will come to Cincinnati to help reduce the level of local football fans’ saltiness after last Sunday’s loss in Houston ensured that the Bengals streak of days since their last playoff win will reach more than 5,000 before they have a chance to get your hopes up for nothing again next season.
SUNDAY JAN. 6
A British teen who ordered a “Gladiator box meal” at KFC was none too pleased to find a brain in his chicken, according to The London Sun. After uploading to Facebook a photo of the unappetizing organ he took a bite of, KFC reportedly contacted the man to offer him some free meal coupons. The company also sought to placate the customer by suggesting whatever he took a photo of on his tray was a kidney and not a brain, because eating kidneys is so much less gross than eating a brain. The company also explained that the “Gladiator box” he received was crafted to resemble what would be on the dirt of the Coliseum after the fighters and wild animals got done fighting to the death.
MONDAY JAN. 7
Arnold Schwarzenegger today told The New York Times Book Review that he is interested in playing the guy our city was named after in a movie. The Governator said he would love to play Roman hero Cincinnatus because “he was given the keys to the kingdom — pure, absolute power! — and he did the job and then went back to his farm.” Before agreeing to be in a film about Cincinnatus, Schwarzenegger plans to make sure the ancient leader’s stances on immigration and gay marriage were as backward as his are.
TUESDAY JAN. 8
Netflix and Time Warner have reached a deal to offer Netflix customers a few new viewing options. Several series produced by Warner Bros will now be available for streaming. Other changes coming to Netflix include a foolproof idea to sneak one by their customers. The plan is to lie and say they have 594 new episodes of National Geographic’s Alaska State Troopers because no one can tell one episode from the other since all the cops on that show do is explain how far away their nearest backup is and how the person they are going to try to arrest has high-powered weapons which could create a volatile situation.
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