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Worst Week Ever!: Dec. 26-Jan. 1

By isaac Thorn · January 3rd, 2013 · Worst Week Ever!
wwe_trexWas real
WEDNESDAY DEC. 26

The Community Recorder today profiled a Florence, Ky., man named Tim Atkins for being an awesome neighbor. People call him “The Mayor of Lloyd Avenue” or “Tim the Tool Man” because of his willingness to help and let people use his tools. Atkins is the kind of person who performs good deeds because it’s the right thing to do, not because he’s seeking publicity. Despite not seeking the limelight, Atkins admits he’s pleased to have earned the nickname “Tim the Tool Man” rather than other characters on ‘90s TV show Home Improvement, specifically “Wilson,” because that character was shady and probably running from a mysterious past.

THURSDAY DEC. 27

What would it take to get you to regularly exercise longer than you do now? New research suggests you might just need a virtual buddy who you think is stronger than you. A small study of female college students suggests competing against a teammate or virtual partner helps people ramp up their exercise more effectively than if they worked out alone. While lazily postponing self-betterment related goals, it helps to point out things that are keeping you from achieving them. The study suggests that competing against a stronger partner helps people have more effective workouts. Another insight garnered from the report is that if things have gotten to the point where you’re thinking that a “virtual buddy” is all you need to start working out and looking like the dudes on the Bowflex commercials then it probably won’t be difficult to find buddies who are stronger than you whether they are made of pixels or flesh and bone.

FRIDAY DEC. 28

The Ohio Committee for Severe Weather Awareness wants to make sure everyone in the Buckeye State isn’t ignorant and stupid when it comes to shoveling.

The Enquirer relayed some of its tips today. Locals with health issues are advised to use a snowblower or hire a snow remover service, which the report suggests will cost between $30 and $60 per hour on a typical driveway. It remains unclear how this rate of pay was decided upon. If it is correct, then there are a lot of parents out there who deserve to be brought up on child labor charges for having their offspring shovel for way less than that for years and years while they sat in the living room drinking coffee and calmly reading the newspaper.

SATURDAY DEC. 29

About 100,000 people have signed a petition to get CNN’s Piers Morgan deported. The British journalist is in favor of gun control, which makes some people angry. Those opposed to the petition worry about the message it would send about the media in America. Everyone who supports it thinks that is stupid, since deporting Morgan would provide an awesome example of how our nation’s yellowed founding documents work by showing how the First Amendment and the Second Amendment can work together — specifically to warn foreigners with opinions on gun control that if they come to America and share them we will kick your ass out of here if we do not agree.

SUNDAY DEC. 30

During his concert in Atlantic City, N.J., tonight, Kanye West announced that Kim Kardashian is pregnant with his baby. WWE! would like readers to know that this feature’s commitment to commenting on the most important stories about the world we live in will not waver in the New Year.

MONDAY DEC. 31

If you stayed in tonight because you weren’t sure who your friends are (or for any other reason), you weren’t alone. A CivicScience poll found that on the last night of 2012, 33 percent of Americans had no plans, 38 percent were staying home, 3 percent planned to host a party and 14 percent were going to a party. Next year’s New Year’s Eve “Partay Poll” plans gather the same data but seeks to find a correlation between what percentage of people’s friends that don’t get invited to parties at their house anymore because of behaviors and events which may or may not have occurred in this holiday’s themed celebration in years past.

TUESDAY JAN. 1

A Florida fossils dealer today pleaded guilty to smuggling charges and promised to give up his million dollar dinosaur if that means he doesn’t have to serve 17 years in prison for stealing a bunch of dinosaur bones from Mongolia. The defendant will surrender what the Miami Herald describes as a 70 million-year-old Tyrannosaurus skeleton called “Ty” and give up claims to other dinosaurs and bones the man says he found fair and square. The presiding judge admonished the dealer for being a thief but said he was pleased that this dinosaur-related case involved stolen bones and not people who think that dinosaurs never existed and that their bones have been scattered all over the world just to test to test people’s faith.



CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

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