'Twas the week before Christmas, and on the small screen
TV options appeared few and far between;
The DVR’s ready to record some new shows
And provide a distraction from winter woes
When, what to my channel-surfing eyes should appear —
It’s all reruns of Sugar Dome and Yes, Dear!
Sure, the holidays are supposed to be for family time,
But is wanting new 30 Rock really a crime?
There’s no Louie, no Boardwalk, no Veep or Mad Men,
Plus Dexter and Homeland just came to an end.
But at least if you want to watch something funny,
There’s new eps of The League and Always Sunny.
Most holiday-themed episodes have already aired;
American Horror Story’s Santa left us all scared.
This week Charlie Brown, the Grinch, It’s a Wonderful Life
Replace The New Normal and The Good Wife
Just get through this Christmas with National Lampoon
Knowing all your fave shows will be back soon;
We’ll see Hannah Horvath and the Gallagher crew —
Arrested Development’s coming back, too!
So from Sookie Stackhouse to Hershel Greene,
We’ll see you all in 2013!
For now, peep these television picks,
And be sure to ask Santa to bring you Netflix.
WEDNESDAY DEC. 19
Top Chef (10 p.m., Bravo) – The chefs are foiled during the quickfire challenge when all pantry items are found wrapped in aluminum.
Chef Stephanie Izard guest-judges.
THURSDAY DEC. 20
A White House Christmas: First Families Remember (8 p.m., NBC) – First ladies from Rosalynn Carter to Michelle Obama talk holidays at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Project Runway All Stars (9 p.m., Lifetime) – The designers create 1920s-inspired looks fit for a modern day flapper. Actress Gretchen Mol (Gillian on Boardwalk Empire) and British designer Jenny Packham join the judging panel.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season Finale, 10 p.m., FX) – Paddy’s Pub court is in session! After a car accident, Frank and Dennis present their cases to the rest of the gang.
Jersey Shore (Series Finale, 10 p.m., MTV) – It’s the end of a trashtastic era (save for a few Jersey spin-offs) as the guidettes and gorillas bid a final goodbye to that HazMat-certifiable Shore house. If that’s not reason to celebrate, I don’t know what is. Stick around for a live reunion at 11 p.m. — see if those censors can keep up with the inevitable F-bombs and nip slips.
The League (Season Finale, 10:30 p.m., FX) – Another double dose of Shiva to round out the season. Andre and Pete both face issues in their respective relationships with crazy chicks; Jeff Goldblum returns as Rupert Ruxin; Taco attacks a mall Santa and throws a New Year’s Eve party; Vikings running back Adrian Peterson cameos.
FRIDAY DEC. 21
Whisker Wars (10 p.m., IFC) – The guys head to Philly for the East Coast Beard and Mustache Championships, the last competition before heading overseas for the granddaddy of facial hair competitions, the German International Beard and Mustache Championships.
SUNDAY DEC. 23
Ice Loves Coco (10 p.m., E!) – The Ts take on Hurricane Sandy (in case you missed Coco’s wet-n-wild live report during the storm).
MONDAY DEC. 24
A Christmas Story (8 p.m., TBS) – It’s not officially Christmas in my family until Ralphie and Co. take over TBS for 24 hours. From the Bumpus hounds to BB guns, some traditions just never get old.
A Very Sunny Christmas (9 p.m., Comedy Central) – The gang takes a raunchy romp over the Christmas special format, including full claymationization.
TUESDAY DEC. 25
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (9 p.m., ABC Family) – The Griswolds should make your family seem a little less dysfunctional.
CONTACT JAC KERN: email@example.com or @jackern