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Worst Week Ever!: Dec. 5-11

By isaac Thorn · December 12th, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
voices_wwe 12-12 copyBath salt bandit

WEDNESDAY DEC. 5

CNN today ran the first installment of a three-part series on the potential effects of using ecstasy to treat post-traumatic stress disorder. Ecstasy can reportedly lead people to greater levels of understanding and tolerance, along with making crappy jam band music sound amazing. And today a growing number of medical professionals believe it can be used to treat the more than 7 million Americans affected by PTSD. Doctors and military brass still think it unwise to use ecstasy before wars are waged and unimaginably awful things happen to the people who fight in them. Other drawbacks of allowing active service members to use ecstasy include glow sticks rendering camouflage useless and the weather being way too hot to roll in most of the places our troops are currently deployed.

THURSDAY DEC. 6

Cincinnatians often offend local sensibilities when they travel to coastal states by calling soda “pop” and refusing to let anyone off the hook if they profess to not thinking chili spaghetti is better than cold-water lobster tail. When those with Queen City blood pumping through their veins start to get rowdy, sometimes security even has to intervene. This was the case during Sunday’s Bengals game against the Chargers in San Diego when Nick Lachey didn’t get to stick around until the game’s conclusion. Gossip site TMZ has released video and an explanation of Lachey’s early exit from the stadium, reporting that Lachey’s objectionable behavior during the game wasn’t attributable to drunkenness or drugs, but rather a strong sense of nostalgia and longing for long gone days when people used to show up at stadiums to watch him perform. 

FRIDAY DEC.

7

The Campbell County Public Library today announced that that it will soon offer classes to help people learn how to use some of the newer tech toys available, including iPads and Nook eReaders. A library spokeswoman told reporters that the library is trying to be relevant as times are changing and that all are welcome to attend the workshops. Times haven’t been released for the Nook sessions, but the iPad classes are expected to last “around 10 minutes because other than watching Youtube, playing games and looking rich there isn’t really anything you can do with an iPad.” 

SATURDAY DEC. 8

George Zimmerman is suing NBC for defamation and intentional infliction of emotional distress. The lawsuit details how the network made him look like he’s a bad guy just because he shot an unarmed teenager to death. NBC allegedly made people think he targeted Trayvon Martin because of his race, which is not cool. Zimmerman will represent himself in this lawsuit, since there really isn’t that much of a difference between pretending to be a police officer or a lawyer or a doctor or a cowboy. As part of his defense plan, Zimmerman will call his kindergarten teacher to the stand to ask her if she did or did not tell him he “could be anything he wanted to.”

SUNDAY DEC. 9

Awesome details of Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine’s recent stories about bath salts’ illicit and dangerous nature keep spreading across the newswire. DeWine last week announced that his office will specifically target bath salts in its war on drugs, and in his announcement he described the odd tale of man high on bath salts who came into contact with the Ohio State Highway Patrol. The tweaked-out dude apparently told them that raccoons had set fire to his home and stolen his cell phone, then chopped up his deck with a hatchet trying to find them. DeWine admitted that if any animal in the world was going to steal your phone it would probably be a raccoon, noting that they do have bandit masks around their eyes.

MONDAY DEC. 10

A group of graduate students from the University of Cincinnati are going to study and analyze Anderson Township’s housing mix and neighborhoods along with their professor. The group aims to gain an in-depth understanding of the area, including analyzing demographic, density and other factors. One area the students hope to document involves which nearby neighborhoods those in Anderson Township look down upon most and for what reasons, with the concluding chapter tentatively titled, “The Future of Newtown: How Does Annexation Work?”

TUESDAY DEC. 11

When something bad happens and you’re left injured, bleeding or feeling super barfy, it’s easy to tell someone where you’d like to go — to the hospital. No specifics necessary, the closest one will do. The Enquirer reported today that for those who get all temperamental about which hospital whose bills they’re not going to pay they go to, University Hospital has a new name: University of Cincinnati Medical Center. The name change is part of the new UC Health system that totally didn’t get the school’s last president forcibly resigned and is intended to better connect the hospital to the school’s reputation for research, academics, athletics and all of its branding campaigns other than “Represent the C.”

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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