Whether it’s London, England or London, Ky., people tend to get pissed off when they find out their children have been banned from one day entering the pearly gates of heaven. The London in Kentucky made news today after a parent filed an ethical complaint against a teacher who told her students, “You can’t be a Democrat and go to heaven.” The teacher’s union hopes the teacher avoids suspension and can return to class soon to further explain to the next generation of Americans how personal beliefs are way more important determining factors than how you treat others when it comes to deciding if you’ll be spending eternity in paradise or burning misery.
THURSDAY NOV. 29
Supporters today announced they had raised funds for the defense of seven AIDS activists who disrobed in the lobby of House Speaker John Boehner’s office on Tuesday. The nude men and women arrested sought to bring attention to the “naked truth” about potential cuts in HIV programs. Because messages like “AIDS cuts kill” were painted on their bodies under their clothes, authorities believe the offenses to have been premeditated. Defense attorneys from a prestigious Beltway firm plan to tell the jury to be lenient because of how easy it is to think it’s OK to get naked like you do in a tanning bed when you see John Boehner’s orange DayGlo skin in person.
FRIDAY NOV. 30
One thing is clear after this year’s elections: The citizens of this great nation have not done enough to keep British comedies off of our televisions. NBC today announced it will create an American version of the PBS show Downton Abbey called The Gilded Age. The show will likely be unfunny enough to make viewers try to remember the last British network comedy that made us laugh a lot, think of Mr.
Belvedere, then go to Wikipedia and see if that counts or not. Legislators are reportedly discussing legislation that would ban new series of any kind until the public gets a satisfactory answer as to why it takes AMC like two years to air one new full season of Breaking Bad or The Walking Dead.
SATURDAY DEC. 1
Much to the delight of anyone who has tried to use Apple’s mobile mapping service over the last few months, Eddy Cue has been fired. According to the New York Times, the man who oversaw the “update” which basically turned everyone’s iPhone maps from helpful tools to unusable GPS systems is no longer with the company. Sources at Apple who wished to remain nameless to stay out of trouble have confirmed Cue is no longer with the company. The firing happened shortly before Thanksgiving but had to be postponed after Cue was late to his exit interview because the map led him the wrong way down a busy one-way road and then rerouted him through a series of streets which turned out to be neighborhood bike paths.
SUNDAY DEC. 2
According to USA Today, more and more hotels are installing iPads in common areas and rooms. The newspaper’s Hotel Check-In team, which likely sits at desks formerly used by copy editors and reporters trained in real news, described how iPads in common areas can help guests avoid long lines to check in or see the concierge. The principal benefit of having computers in rooms is that couples staying in them are more likely to play with the trendy toy computers while staying in the room rather than have sex, which greatly improves the morale amongst the hotel cleaning staff.
MONDAY DEC. 3
An injunction has been granted against California’s ban on “conversion” therapy, a method that some really smart people believe can “help” turn a gay person straight. Techniques in this well-reasoned brand of therapy include “having participants strip naked in group sessions “and “violently beating an effigy of their mothers with a tennis racquet.” The brilliant lawmakers who support the injunction against this sadistic brand of therapy admit they don’t fully understand everything about conversion therapy, like how beating an effigy of your mom will help at all since everyone knows it’s your dad that makes you grow up to be gay or not.
TUESDAY DEC. 4
Rumors are swirling that Fox is quietly working on a reboot of The X-Files. The classic and awesome supernatural series aired from 1993-2002, starring David Duchovny and Jillian Anderson. According to the New York Post, the original stars would be replaced by “new, younger actors would be cast in the lead roles” — as has been done with other recent remakes of hit shows like Hawaii Five-O and Bionic Woman. Fox hasn’t reached out to Jillian Anderson about returning to the show, or given a reason for not doing so. However, everyone knows David Duchovny wasn’t contacted about coming back to play the part of Fox Mulder because all the vile, pornographic things he’s done in Californication since X-Files was on have made it impossible for viewers to imagine him as a special agent again.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: firstname.lastname@example.org