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Worst Week Ever!: Nov. 14-19

By isaac Thorn · November 20th, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
wwe_kenwoodtowneplace_ckMore mall, please! - Photo: Cameron Knight
WEDNESDAY NOV. 14

LA Fitness today became the latest to succumb to the Bermuda Triangle of Failed Business Ventures more commonly known as Kenwood Towne Place. The center has been half-built for a few years, caught up in bankruptcy proceedings and other problems which the finance consultants at CityBeat believe may or may not be tied to one of the shopping complex’s developers being hit up with federal fraud and money laundering charges related to his masterful oversight of the project. Since the developer has to explain how he acquired lots of jewelry and a half-million dollar yacht while his project stalled and failed, Kenwood residents are hoping to somehow get back some of the money they’ve been bilked out of. Some of the returned funds will be used to bring in experts to help figure out if there are any other reasons so many businesses fail in a neighborhood that people only go to when they want to buy things at the mall.

THURSDAY NOV. 15

St. Xavier High School graduate and Western Hills native Joe Kernen has been getting a lot of attention lately for his work on CNBC and the network’s “Rise Above” campaign. Kernen cohosts Squawk Box, which is a business news show that comes on closer to the hour most WWE! readers go to bed than the hour they wake up. “Rise Above” is described as a “call to action” to politicians to figure out how to make our economy virile and strong and stuff. In a Thelma and Louise-like situation, there is a fiscal cliff looming in January, which our country will probably hurtle off of before the people with the power to fix it figure out and agree on how to do it.

Kernen hopes that “Rise Above” will help us avoid that happening. If it does, he will be able to use his platform on CNBC to educate America on the startling similarities between the weird Masonic architectural layout of Pierre L’Enfant’s design of Washington D.C. and that of the section of Western Hills where Cancun Mexican, Western Bowl and General Custer’s Golf and Gulp are located next to each other.

FRIDAY NOV. 16

New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow will be the guest speaker at Audible Compassion on April 19 at U.S. Bank Arena. It is easy to make fun of a person who tries to spread the gospel through football, because most people either sleep in on Sundays then watch the NFL all day or get up early and go to church — can’t do both. However, Tebow is a nice guy who does really nice things for a lot of people, especially children. It’s still weird that he went and helped circumcise children in the Philippines despite having no medical training, but whatevz. The concert event will feature music, Tebow’s speech and a question and answer session afterwards. Bengals Hall of Famer Anthony Munoz will emcee the event and do his very best to provide an entertaining forum for all attendees to take part in. Munoz has been asked to avoid making reference to one of his planned talking points, which was that even though he last suited up in the NFL in 1992, Munoz and Tebow have been on the field for about the same amount of time this season.

SATURDAY NOV. 17

The Enquirer reported today that the set up for Sunday’s Straight Street Hill Climb was nearly complete. The race up the gnarly 14 percent incline of the third of a mile span of Clifton’s steepest street was scheduled to be open to bicyclists and runners and had been described as grueling and painful. One participant stated that, “It’s sheer pain near the end. ... You see the end and you don’t know if you’re going to make it there.” In an effort to drum up publicity for next year’s hill climb, organizers have suggested making it even more dangerous by starting the event at sundown, giving each participant an iPhone and a backpack with a laptop in it and having them to try to make it safely to campus from the bottom of Straight Street.

SUNDAY NOV. 18

Hamilton native and convicted serial killer Glen Rogers helped kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, according to My Brother The Serial Killer, a TV documentary set to premiere on the Investigation Discovery channel. At some point during this two-hour long program, a connection will be made between Rogers living in Los Angeles when the double homicide occurred in 1994 and the now-obvious fact that O.J. Simpson had nothing to do the crime and tried to flee the country to avoid prosecution for it for other reasons.

MONDAY NOV. 19

Justin Bieber won artist of the year at the AMA awards last night, leading readers of things everywhere to become less jaded by all the publications that run “Signs of the Apocalypse” blurbs within them.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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