Space jumper Felix Baumgartner discouraged American leaders from funding exploration to Mars during a recent interview with the London Telegraph. According to Baumgartner, the red planet probably sucks and the money that would be used on such trips in the future would be better invested on the planet we presently live on. Politicians from both sides of the aisle in the U.S. appreciated Baumgartner’s heads up. Plans have been made to send a letter to the space jumper that will explain how this great nation will fall further and further into debt each day until we won’t even be able to afford posters for classrooms that have pictures of outer space on them, let alone consider trying to launch ships to explore out there.
THURSDAY NOV. 1
WWE! has to reference a CityBeat story for this edition since finding stories that aren’t about the election or the storm was way too labor intensive (did you know that CityBeat is free and all the articles are online too? Crazy.). This week our liberal colleagues produced a story about local tax and spending haters COAST suing over the recent Blue Ash airport sale and a Cincinnati Public Schools levy. The Blue Ash Airport has pissed off COAST for a while, because money from a land deal there will be used to build the streetcar system in Cincinnati which the group opposes as if its construction was a sign of the apocalypse. Lawyers for COAST hope that the presiding judge will allow them to use the word “boondoggle” to describe the streetcar project, because using terms that haven’t been in fashion since streetcars were actually used helps point out the irony of conservatives opposing them in neighborhoods where they don’t even live.
Local politicians are already plotting how they’ll handle next year’s same-sex marriage debate here in Cincinnati and across Ohio, as activists are already circulating a petition to repeal the 2004 constitutional amendment banning gay marriage on the 2013 ballot. Queen City politicians who support same-sex marriage have noted that an added benefit of not being a homophobic asshole would be the potential boom in tourism from people who would feel less ostracized for who they love when visiting here. An ad campaign will be launched soon to persuade non-heterosexuals to come check our city out. Its tagline is said to be: “Visit Cincinnati: Where we haven’t prosecuted anyone for showing naked men in art exhibits in more than 20 years.”
SATURDAY NOV. 3
Many people have a valid excuse for not being handy in the garden: When you don’t own a home, there’s no yard to plant things in. The closest many of us will come to planting things in our yards is throwing condiment packets from fast food places into our kitchen drawers so that we can harvest them later. Maybe it’s for the best. Judging by today’s Enquirer Home & Garden section article, “Bring tropical plants inside,” gardening might be too complicated for us anyway. In addition to explaining how plants from down by the equator don’t fare well in cold temperatures, the article explained how ice water left outside on a hot day will eventually turn into “just water.”
SUNDAY NOV. 4
Before today’s Bengals game at Paul Brown Stadium, iconic golfer Jack Nicklaus made his way around the tailgating area after showing up in a Mitt Romney campaign bus. Nicklaus’ skill at hitting a ball into a hole makes him as qualified to offer political advice as the next guy, and he spent a fair amount of time this morning urging people in attendance to vote for Romney. The aging golfer told the audience about his fear of a future where the guy he doesn’t want to be president ends up being president. Mitt Romney was said to have greatly appreciated Nicklaus’ efforts on his behalf, although he has a few questions as to why his campaign planners thought espousing the virtue of supporting a winner to a bunch of Bengals fans seemed like a good idea.
MONDAY NOV. 5
Superstorm Sandy (whose name is confusing because it makes it sound like it was better than a regular storm) has made a real mess of things for millions of Americans. Lives were lost and billions of dollars in damage was done, and many have gone without power for days in the storm’s aftermath. As a result, people are spending lots of money at bars and restaurants. Today’s CNN story, “Brooklyn restaurants, bars boom post-Sandy,” details how eateries in that borough are struggling to keep food on hand to feed the surge of customers flocking to establishments in search of snackin’, booze and electricity. The article points out that it’s great that people are finding a place to wait it out while the region’s power grid is functioning normally again. Another benefit of leaving your place to hit up a bar during the blackout is that looking like you got ready in the dark is the best way to look like an authentic hipster rather than some bumpkin who just started trying to do it when you moved to Brooklyn a few years ago and didn’t even know who Matt and Kim were yet.
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