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Worst Week Ever!: Oct. 24-29

By Danny Cross · October 31st, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
wwe_dickcheneyNot our best work.
WEDNESDAY OCT. 24

Anyone who has ever lived in a college town knows that life is very different there: extremely young citizenry with very nice teeth, abundance of ethnic lunch spots and very loosely enforced drunk and disorderly laws, etc. Two Miami University bros have officially mucked up that town’s things-only-college-kids-get-to-do vibe, as the school today said the students who posted a “Top Ten Ways to Get Away with Rape” flier are going to be punished. Unfortunately for those who believe joke-rapists don’t deserve to continue attending such a respected institution of higher learning, MU’s potential sanctions don’t include expulsion, only removal from the residence hall, mandatory educational programs and/or a 90-day ban from the school’s best spot to throw gumballs at athletic opponent mascots.  

THURSDAY OCT. 25

Most readers don’t know it, but we at WWE! undergo an annual performance review that determines whether or not we get to keep talking mass shit educating and entertaining the masses for another 12 months — that’s why we do our best work during the first half of the year and then write what our bosses think is funny until we get re-upped (example: illustrations of Dick Cheney with devil horns; sorry December readers!). This is basically how Cincinnati City Council works, except its members get things done for one year and then spend the next full year campaigning for re-election. Former Council member and noted rich guy Chris Bortz today got some off-Council pub by speaking out against
Issue 4, which raises Council terms from two to four years, arguing that four-year terms would allow Council to do complicated things that are hard to make sound stupid in a campaign flier.

FRIDAY OCT. 26

Typically, children only grow up to be like their parents if the parents are cool, like small business owners, college professors or bikers (bikers = coolest persona, but lowest life expectancy).

A new study published in a journal called Psychological Science suggests that what people end up being like is actually even simpler: Strict parents tend to have conservative children and parents open to their children voicing opinions end up with more liberal kids. Scientists also found that kids with fearful dispositions — such as being afraid of the dark or accidentally watching a half hour of Glenn Beck instead of PBS — are also more likely to grow up with conservative values, while children who have restless or active temperaments often grow up trying to sing, dance and paint things for money.

SATURDAY OCT. 27

It’s easy to understand why some people get into mass debt — Best Buy will literally hand you a 60-inch TV if you sign enough papers saying you’ll pay for it later (Consumer warning: If it ends up in collections you’ll be paying double right around the time the TV is worth half as much). So it’s kind of a surprise that city leaders are open to being on the lame side of such a scheme, as City Manager Milton Dohoney today announced a plan to privatize the city’s parking services. Dohoney said he met with municipal union workers and they’re all cool with it, although he refused to answer a WWE! inquiry into whether or not Mayor Mallory’s boring shift as a meter reader on Undercover Boss had anything to do with the outsourcing plan.

SUNDAY OCT. 28

Many people who read today’s Enquirer endorsement of Mitt Romney for president likely set the paper down, said something like “I need to move out of this [expletive] city” and then googled “Jobs where newspapers don’t endorse Sarah Palin.” Such is the life of the reasonable person living in Southwestern Ohio, as Cincinnatians were once again subjected to another vague, fluffy, pro-business editorial from the Enquirer’s esteemed three-person editorial board. The Enquirer argued that Romney has been mad businesslike in his public service, met a constitutional requirement to balance Massachusetts’ budget and even oversaw the goddam Olympics. It hopes that Romney as president will find common ground and avoid a hard turn to the right despite the GOP’s stated intent of jamming him up so hard he’ll wish he was still back at Harvard making fun of gay people and driving a Lincoln if he does. 

MONDAY OCT. 29

Still wondering who is going to win this year’s presidential election? Wanna know what’s better than early voting and then shutting the hell up about it until the losing candidate pretends like he respects the winner? Getting all worked up over polls with small sample sizes that make it seem like the race is crazy close. That’s what The Enquirer did today in a story about a new poll showing Barack Obama and Mitt Romney to be in a statistical dead heat in Ohio despite a 3.5 percent margin of error. The poll accurately noted that younger voters were more likely to choose Obama and that voters who believe the Obamacare death panels were only postponed until the president has enough credibility to kill anyone older than the promiscuous one on Golden Girls are going Romney.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: 513-555-1234


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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