Everyone has an opinion about extra days for absentee votes during the upcoming presidential election. Some people think a democracy should make it as easy as possible for all citizens to take part in the voting process. Other people feel like if those people didn’t plan ahead and clear time from work, then they didn’t want to vote badly enough. Lori Viars, vice chair of the Warren County Republican Party, wrote an opinion piece in today’s titled, “Extra voting strains workers” in which she described how the Board of Elections in her county does not allow employees to take time off during election season. Lots of overtime hours are required through this period, although complaining about having to work extra hard at the BOE during election season makes as much sense as IRS employees complaining that they are super busy during the first two weeks of April. Viars also states that “during this period ... they work their fingers to the bone making sure everything is ready.” Many local voters remain confused in regard to how exactly the BOE employees’ fingers are being worked to the bone when all they ever see them doing on Election Day is staring at voters younger than them, drinking coffee and pointing people to other things in the room.
THURSDAY OCT. 11
The Reds today became the first team in National League history to blow a 2-0 lead in a five-game Division Series. This latest painful postseason exit for a Cincinnati sports team caused more chafing than others because of how well the Reds played during the regular season, and for the first time in like 20 years local sports fans thought their team had a legitimate shot at winning a title. While many roster and coaching decisions must be made during the long offseason, WWE! would like to get the ball rolling by deciding to never again exhort the prowess of any Cincinnati sports figures until they advance past the first round of the playoffs.
Getty Images snapped a photo at a Lancaster, Ohio, rally for presidential candidate Mitt Romney of an attendee wearing a shirt (which surprisingly still appeared to have the sleeves attached) that read “Put The White Back In The White House.” Romney’s campaign staff was reportedly mortified by this racist shirt and issued a statement denouncing the message written on it, though it also planned to post a link on its website to a list of more palatable anti-Obama sentiments, such as acronyms like “One Big Ass Mistake, America.”
SATURDAY OCT. 13
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is apparently the most common children’s neurobehavioral disorder — at least that’s what Time magazine said today. Patients and parents alike are searching for answers to questions such as how ADHD affects kids as they become teens and adults, and begin forming relationships and finding awful jobs. People want to know if ADHD puts them at a disadvantage for coping with life’s unavoidable challenges, such as maintaining relationships, coping in new social groups and learning to drive in the rain on shitty tires. Some parents also wondered if their kid would still act like he or she had this vague-sounding disorder if their reward for saying they do wasn’t an Adderall prescription.
SUNDAY OCT. 14
“When it comes crashing down/and it hurts inside/ya’ gotta take a stand/ it don’t help to hide.” Those are probably the lines from Hulk Hogan’s theme song which are most relevant to Hulk’s decision to sue disc jockey Bubba the Love Sponge Clem and Gawker.com for $100 million after the former filmed Hogan having sex with his best friend’s wife without Hogan’s knowledge and the latter published it on its website. Hogan’s lawyers stated that their client never imagined he was being taped in the bedroom, and noted that his client wasn’t into “all that freaky shit like Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts.”
MONDAY OCT. 15
Foxconn Technology Group, the company that makes Apple’s iPhone, today admitted that people as young as 14 are working in one of its factories in China. At Apple’s headquarters in California, the company’s PR department began trying to figure out how to tactfully say that “14-year-olds working at our plants is unacceptable” while simultaneously blaming the problems people are having with the iPhone 5’s camera on them.
TUESDAY OCT. 16
USA Today’s Health roundup today contained a gem titled “Mother’s Kiss,” which describes a method for removing objects that become stuck in your toddler’s nose. According to a researcher, parents can get the object out about 60 percent of the time if they hold the non-jammed nostril shut and blow through the kid’s mouth. If this practice is done by parents more regularly, it will surpass a mother’s attempt to clean her child’s face by licking a finger as the grossest thing parents do to their children in this country.
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