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Worst Week Ever!: Oct. 3-9

By isaac Thorn · October 10th, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
oscar_nek_only_smBig Bird cut my Medicare.
WEDNESDAY OCT. 3

Election season is upon us. Many people have questions about voting, and some of them aren’t about debating if it is worth your time to cast a vote. As many WWE! readers can attest, you never know when law enforcement is going to tie your hands behind your back and arrest you. If you did, you could theoretically not have on you or not do the things that get you locked up in the first place. Fortunately, today’s piece in The Enquirer titled, “What if you haven’t voted and get arrested before election?” gives pertinent advice on how to make sure you can exercise your rights and whatnot even if you get thrown in the pokey between now and Election Day. The Ohio Justice & Policy Center has been in contact with Secretary of State Jon Husted about this matter and advises Ohioans who anticipate an arrest in their near future to hold off on committing the offenses they’re planning which are more serious than misdemeanors until Nov. 7.

THURSDAY OCT. 4

State Auditor Dave Yost today released preliminary findings revealing that five Ohio school districts have been “scrubbing,” or removing students from enrollment, to make their attendance data appear better. This improves the schools’ report cards and makes it seem like your district isn’t full of kids who skip school all the time. It has not yet been determined how or if the five districts found guilty of employing this dishonest tactic will be dealt with. Regardless of who gets punished, students in these districts will be better prepared for the adult lives of lying and embellishing resumes and exploiting any relationship possible for the sake of their professional success which awaits them.

SATURDAY OCT.

6

Eight pitches into the Reds 2012 postseason, their best pitcher left the game with an injury. Even the most optimistic Cincinnati fans had to entertain the thought that this latest injury to a star player in the playoffs would destine the team to lose the game. Instead, Reds manager Dusty Baker made some deft substitutions and watched his club play with the sense of cool determination that Cincinnati fans usually associate with the teams that have extinguished their own hopes of a championship for the last few decades. After tonight’s exhilarating victory, dozens of the cincinnati.com commenters who have spent the entire season calling the Reds manager hilarious names like “Crusty Faker” and calling for his job began frantically contacting the Facebook and Enquirer support teams to see if it is possible to somehow remove the comments they’ve made up to this point in 2012.

SUNDAY OCT. 7

A timely article in today’s Enquirer advises us all to “Keep politics out of the office.” Often times trolling people about how stupid their political ideals are makes them irate and uncomfortable. Instead of repeating things you’ve heard people on TV say, it is more advisable to limit office conversation to things all employees can agree on, like how goddamn early their alarm clocks went off this morning and how much they hate working for the company that employs them.

MONDAY OCT. 8

Pizza Hut will give an audience member at next week’s presidential debate at Hofstra University free pizza for life if they exploit the town hall format of it and ask one of the candidates if they prefer sausage or pepperoni as a topping during the debate. Now that this pizza-for-being-a-putz sweepstakes has been announced, all the restaurant chain can do is sit back and hope like hell that neither candidate responds to this idiotic proposed question by saying they aren’t sure which topping is better but “are quite certain that breadsticks are the only thing on the Pizza Hut menu that taste better than what you can get at a gas station in Terre Haute, Ind.”

TUESDAY OCT. 9

Team Romney today responded to an Obama campaign advertisement featuring Big Bird and mocking the GOP nominee for suggesting it would be a good idea to stop federal funding for public broadcasting during last week’s presidential debate. According to CNN, the Romney campaign called the Big Bird ad “troubling.” It is bizarre to see Sesame Street become a hot-button issue in the upcoming election, but both parties agree this is the case. Senior campaign adviser Kevin Madden told a reporter, “I just find it troubling that the president’s message, the president’s focus, 28 days before Election Day is Big Bird.” Madden went on to explain how neither he nor Mitt Romney want to even get into how messed up it is how Big Bird has lived next to and acted cool with Oscar the Grouch for so many years and never even offered to let the dude couch surf for a few months, get his feet under him, find a job and eventually find a place to live in other than a garbage can.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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