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Worst Week Ever!: Sept. 19-25

By isaac Thorn · September 26th, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
wwe_greenbaypackerslogoY'all lose.
WEDNESDAY SEPT. 19

The reviews of Clint Eastwood’s latest film, Trouble With the Curve, have been stellar for the most part. Critics are really digging the story told in the film, in which Eastwood plays the role of Gus, an Atlanta Braves scout who is losing his sight because he is old and decrepit. Luckily for Gus, Amy Adams plays his daughter who can still see and meets up with him to help him do his job and what have you. The movie even has J-Timberlake in it. Critics know they’ll probably sound stupid if they say they didn’t like a film he was in. The story is really heartwarming locally, as it has been considered a spinoff of a story about the Bengals staffing department, which went legally blind years ago but had zero hot daughters to help them out. In the original tale’s telling, the sight-challenged scouts spent a couple of decades drafting men who weren’t good at football so the team hardly ever won, but the original story still illustrates the beauty of dogged American determination in some (albeit less clear) ways.

THURSDAY SEPT. 20

The Campaign for American Values has launched a series of TV ads comparing the religions of President Obama and Republican candidate Mitt Romney. The Enquirer describes the Campaign for American values as a “conservative super PAC” that has raised $750,000 to spend on ads before the November elections. President Obama is also raked over the coals in one of the ads for forcing gay marriage on this country because they think that’s gross and that Jesus would think so, too. Moderate voters might be offended by these ads but are likely to understand why the Republicans would be this way.

With each remark about how all of us poor people are stupid and over-served by the ultra rich (but we should remember to hate non-heterosexuals) it becomes easier to believe that petitioning an unknowable entity with prayer is the only hope the Republican party has of not getting blown out in embarrassing fashion come Election Day.

FRIDAY SEPT. 21

Yum! Brands has decided to shutter up all of its KFC franchises in Pakistan after anti-American protests there resulted in an attack on a location in Lebanon last week. A company spokesperson acknowledges that the protests are “almost definitely” in reaction to the release of a movie that offended many in the region. However, Yum! Brands does acknowledge that some of the protesters found the practices of using meat as buns for sandwiches and throwing a bunch of low-quality ingredients into a bowl and eating it like an inmate or Oliver Twist more disgusting than a hate-filled movie filmed on a $60 budget could ever be.

SATURDAY SEPT. 22

A CNN Health blog titled, “Your memory is like a game of telephone” today described a study published recently in the Journal of Neuroscience about memory retrieval and how it benefits the memory to think back often or something. The article fails to explain how when you start drinking at Oktoberfest when the sun is still really high in the sky and black out before dinner time, your lack of memory is like a game of telephone when a lightning bolt strikes the cell tower and temporarily disrupts service.

MONDAY SEPT. 24

That loud sound you heard late Monday night was a gigantic moan from fans of the Green Bay Packers,  whose team (literally — they own it) was robbed on a last-second, desperation heave from the Seattle Seahawks which resulted in the game-winning touchdown. The pass was caught, according to the officials, simultaneously by the defender and the receiver — runner gets the tie, apparently, so the refs counted the points. And just to remind you that they were increasingly malligned replacement refs, they also called the teams back onto the field to kick a meaningless extra point, putting the Seahawks up 14-12 with no time remaining. That other sound you heard right after the collective sigh — the “cha-ching” from the eyes of all the real referees, who’ve been sitting on the couch the past three weekends and watching their bargaining chip grow bigger and bigger with every missed call. Maybe next time the NFL won’t just hire replacements straight from the local Footlocker?

TUESDAY SEPT. 25

It turns out that immigrants aren’t the only thing the Tea Party hates. They don’t like liars either, which is why the Ohio Liberty Coalition got mad about a new ad in which a guy lies to his stupid friends when they ask him where he’s living and he doesn’t want to tell them “at home” because then no one will want to have sex with him. The brilliant social critics of that group wrote a letter to McDonald’s CEO to express their disdain over the lies in their advertisements. The company did not immediately respond. It remains unclear if Mickey D’s is ignoring the complaint or trying to make sure that the complaint is only about the new ad and not the ones suggesting that McRibs are made of “real pork in a sassy sauce” and not some type of swimming rat found in the bayou, too.

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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