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Worst Week Ever! Sept. 5-11

By isaac Thorn · September 12th, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY SEPT. 5

To many, home ownership seems like something only attainable by winning a lottery ticket or lawsuit. For those of us who aren’t terrible and hopeless about money, the Home Builders Association of Greater Cincinnati’s annual Citirama showcase of new homes is a way to check out what’s on the market. This year’s edition is being held in Northside and will offer tours of five newly completed properties. Prospective buyers will be given brochures about living in the neighborhood to help them acclimate to their new surroundings more quickly if they purchase property. Pairs of thick-rimmed glasses will also be given away, so residents will better fit in with their new and cool neighbors. A section of the brochure also thoroughly explains how to complain about bars in Northside being a pain on the weekends because they are full of squares from the suburbs.

THURSDAY SEPT. 6

Religious people get pissed off about a lot of things, and that’s what happened today after a co-chairman of the committee charged with drafting the official Democratic Party platform was asked to explain why references to Jerusalem and God were left out of this year’s document. Newark, N.J., Mayor Cory Booker referred to forgetting to name drop a place in the Middle East we don’t want to bomb and the man upstairs as “an unfortunate omission.” The 2008 version of this document included references to these nouns. When asked why they were left on the cutting room floor this time around, Booker pointed out that Obama has only been pretending to be a Christian for a few years and is still getting the hang of it. He also noted that Obama “doesn’t need God’s help to win an election against Mitt Romney’s robot-sounding ass.”

FRIDAY SEPT.

7

The Washington Post’s George Will wrote a column today titled “Election is like college football.” While doing what liberals do best (quoting Harvard philosophers so they appear smart), the column also explains lofty concepts such as how “football taught the progressive virtue of subordinating the individual to the collective.” Next week’s continuation of this column will explain more similarities between college football and the election: feeling like nobody really won at the end of the season and realizing that most people involved with the processes are doing illegal things on a daily basis while being portrayed heroically.

SUNDAY SEPT. 9

People like to read things that make them feel less bad about things they do. That’s why parents everywhere felt better today after learning about a study in the journal Pediatrics that says it’s fine to let babies cry as they try to go to sleep. The study also stated that ignoring the wails instead of standing over the crib and staring down at it with no idea what to do does no damage. As the human tadpoles grow old enough to speak and listen, parents are advised to shift their strategy of ignoring their children’s boo-hooing by telling them “nobody likes when you do that” and that when they grow up to be adults they’ll cry themselves to sleep many nights just like they did as infants.

MONDAY SEPT. 10

Because of the lack of effectiveness of those commercials in which a car full of Stony Maloneys runs over a kid on a bike whilst ordering at the drive-thru as if their car was Grave Digger and the little kid was a rusty car positioned in front of it, other avenues are being explored to make people not like smoking pot. A study from the University of Southern California’s Keck School of Medicine in Los Angeles purports that marijuana use is tied to an increased risk of testicular cancer. The study concludes that most of the participants believed that the increased risk only applied to people “who smoke weed with seeds in it” and that female marijuana users should be targeted with cancer scares on parts of their bodies that boys don’t have because otherwise it sounds unfair.

TUESDAY SEPT. 11

When Carl Lindner settled Cincinnati, he used to shoot and skin buffalo and sell them at his chain of frontier shops, which he named United Dairy Farmers. Hundreds of years later, the UDF chain is still “bursting with innovation,” according to a piece in today’s Enquirer. For the first time in many years, its line of “sweet treats” is expanding. Unfortunately, this explosion of innovation will not result in the store selling condoms or cigarillos (per the late frontiersman’s belief that condom or no condom sex ain’t right), or having employees who don’t look at you like you asked them to clip your toenails when you request a goddamn milkshake.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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