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Worst Week Ever!: Aug. 8-13

By Isaac Thorn · August 15th, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
voices_wwe_dell_logoDude, where's my Dell?
WEDNESDAY AUG. 8

For the second time in a year, Country singer Randy Travis was arrested for getting too wasted. When you do something more than once, there is pressure to make more of a splash each time. Travis certainly accomplished that goal, according to the Texas Highway Patrol, which found him completely naked and threatening to kill them. The singer refused to take a sobriety test and it remains unclear why one would be necessary given the circumstances of law enforcement’s meeting with him. This pattern of behavior is genuinely troubling. However, the silver lining of this situation lies in the notion that if this latest nude arrest doesn’t cure Travis of writer’s block and help him craft a new country song out of the experience then nothing will.

THURSDAY AUG. 9

The Enquirer today ran a well-written editorial by a local couple who moved to Over-the-Rhine in January. Basically, they are none too pleased by how ratty and scary the Kroger on Vine Street is. Citing cities where people are smarter, the authors make a powerful case for how the revitalized and trendy neighborhood shouldn’t be juxtaposed with a grocery store with weak organic and craft beer sections. The argument was even more air-tight before The Enquirer cut the closing paragraph, which described how if the couple hadn’t moved to a nice property in OTR the substandard nature of the neighborhood grocery store would have remained none of their concern indefinitely.

FRIDAY AUG. 10

When you come to a fork in your sure-to-fail-miserably attempt to become president of the United States, you take it.

That’s what Mitt Romney did today after debating for weeks if he should “pull a McCain and nominate some token oddity like a woman or non-Caucasian for VP.” After realizing that sounded a little dicey, Romney went in the opposite direction and chose U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin. The Romney website and other media outlets soon billed the duo as “America’s Comeback Team.” Ryan supports a budgetary plan that would slash Pell Grants, which are what all the poor people use to go to college. It isn’t often that political candidates live up to the heroic team names they bestow upon themselves. If elected and student loans are slashed, the slogan will ring true as millions of Americans are told by college admissions departments to “Comeback” when they have enough money to enroll for class.

SATURDAY AUG. 11

The Associated Press today sought to aid youngsters heading back to school by offering them tips on how to decorate their lockers along with ideas for “making your locker you.” The locker is an extension of the student and his or her personal space so having it not look stupid is probably a good thing. The story suggested that buying decorative accessories can help your locker look nice and make classmates you want to impress not think that you do weird stuff like torture animals after the school day ends. The article fails to mention how if adolescents look to the Associated Press to figure out how to be cool then the ship has already sailed on them. It also completely disregarded the importance of identifying and squatting out a vacant locker that can be stuffed to the gills with all manner of contraband.

SUNDAY AUG. 12

Nick Lachey will soon star in NBC’s new Stars Earn Stripes boot camp reality show. Lachey and seven other cast members will take part in challenges reportedly including helicopter drops into water and firing long-range weapons. Each contestant is paired with an authentic “former soldier or first responder.” While this show is being filmed and aired, Lachey will be too busy to make any more super-annoying Cincinnati Bell commercials. Once this show is over, a group of wealthy Cincinnatians plans on paying Lachey a tidy sum to take part in a new reality show. In it, he will be dropped in a remote location and told to stay alive on his own in the elements until a rescue team which will never be sent gets there to save him.

MONDAY AUG. 13

No plan of defense is impregnable, especially if your daughter likes tweeting your biz. Michael Dell, the founder of computer makers Dell Inc., spends $2.7 million a year on a security team. Eighteen-year-old daughter Alexa Dell’s Twitter profile was taken down today, shortly after her dad noticed that she posted information about her high school graduation dinner and times and places where her parents were going to be. One might wonder what could be more pointless than spending such a large amount of money on security when things like this happen anyway. When asked if the investment was pointless, the tech kingpin said he didn’t know, but that buying a shitty computer that has to be mailed in to get fixed when it breaks every few months is pretty close.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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