Most people are familiar with the kinds of things Tea Partiers worry about — where the president was born, being treaded on in various ways and keeping the government from getting its hands on their Medicaid are all common concerns. Turns out the organization is not only interested in preserving these freedoms for individuals, but also for energy companies that are about to drill the shit out of Ohio. Tom Zawistowski, president of the Ohio Liberty Coalition, today released a statement in opposition of Gov. John Kasich’s proposal to raise severance taxes because it will figuratively put blocks in the road that drillers are literally trying to use to transport mass energy and money out of the state. Zawistowski says Kasich should still cut the state’s income tax but not on the backs of companies that easily could crack the earth in half and just say it was an accident.
THURSDAY JULY 19
Very few people can say their job is more difficult than that of a police officer: Army soldiers might face more danger and social workers probably have to deal with more crazy people, but wearing the badge is pretty high up there, overall. Few people know this more than Cincinnati Police Chief James Craig, whose understanding of the police officer’s role in society is based on 36 years of experience. That’s why Craig today spent three hours explaining to the Ohio Peace Officer Training Commission why he should be exempted from the standard training and 200-question certification test required by law to jack people up in Cincinnati. Craig said sitting in an academy class with a bunch of recruits is not a good use of his time and that the first time he did it all anyone talked about was how funny it would be if they got to taser Johnny Knoxville in the ass.
FRIDAY JULY 20
We at WWE! are referred to as “you people” all the time, and it is almost always offensive (at least the bartenders at Mayday have the decency to call us by our last names before telling us to get the [expletive] out at 3 a.m.).
That’s why it made us super mad today when Ann Romney, wife of presumed Republican presidential nominee Mitt, said her family had given “you people” all we need to know about their finances. During an interview on Good Morning America, Anne, in a fluster she later said rivaled an early week incident involving her hairstylist blow-drying the back of her neck too long, took exception to the media’s obsession with the financial standing of someone who Americans might put in charge of the world soon. The exchange inspired a #youpeople hashtag on Twitter, which the Romney campaign briefly tried to mimic to score points with young voters until #imrichbitch just made people think they were even bigger dickheads.
SATURDAY JULY 21
It is fair to assume that the great majority of boys involved with the Boy Scouts dislike the experience and love their fathers less for having forced them to do it (“If I wear this scarf and learn how to fold a flag, then can I go play baseball?!?). The organization today gave these kids and the parents who for some reason think competing in wooden car races leads to success later in life an excuse to opt out of such rites of passage, as an 11-member committee reaffirmed the Boy Scouts’ policy of excluding gays. The Enquirer today detailed some local reactions to the decision, which ranged from a dude in Miami Township keeping his kid out of the Scouts because of the ban to a guy in Delhi who would disown wooden cars altogether if the ban were lifted. Some locals are reportedly signing their kids up for a new group called Navigators USA, which is expected to offer similarly useless skills and life lessons but by people who are actually nice.
SUNDAY JULY 22
Need to feel better about yourself by laughing at a poor person who got arrested? The Cincinnati Enquirer is here for you. Want to see yourself photographed at a happening local nightspot? The Enquirer has you covered. Interested in reading the news online everyday? Well, that’ll cost ya a monthly fee starting this fall. Enquirer Publisher Margaret Buchanan in an editorial today outlined for readers a “historic change at The Enquirer,” including a new look (bigger photos?), new content (exclusive interviews with 3CDC spokespersons?) and a new easier-to-transport size (fewer pages?). In addition to doing some of the same old newspaper stuff like preserving freedom of the press, The Enquirer also plans to shine a light on the places in the community everyone loves because learning about the world is a downer.
MONDAY JULY 23
Kermit the Frog today said he was just about sick of Chick-fil-A, and not just because the food is gross. The Jim Henson Co. released a statement saying that it will no longer partner with Chick-fil-A because of the company’s non-inclusive policies and will donate all payments received from Chick-fil-A to the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, which will be granted permission to use a muppet named Animal in its own advertising campaigns telling people that Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays because of the devil.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org