WEDNESDAY JUNE 20
Residents of Bethel, Alaska recently learned that they were victims of a cruel hoax in which flyers touting the opening of a Taco Bell in town got everyone all excited for nothing. The town of 6,000 is only accessible by boat or plane and has only a Subway when it comes to fast-food chains. A week after finding out that they had all been hoodwinked, Bethel’s mayor urged citizens to think about not living in a place where a Taco Bell-related hoax is upsetting rather than dwelling on Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes which were never to come.
THURSDAY JUNE 21
Columbia Tusculum residents and the developers of a 76-unit apartment complex to be built on the corner of Delta Avenue and Columbia Parkway might come to an agreement soon on design specifications for the building. The original design for the development, Delta Flats, wasn’t well received by the neighborhood earlier this year. The Enquirer reports that residents wanted “a higher-quality and more enduring design that was appropriate for Columbia Tusculum.” After some back and forth, both sides agreed that they were rich enough to eat and have cocktails at The Precinct whenever they damn well please so there’s really no point in arguing about how things look.
FRIDAY JUNE 22
Director Wes Anderson’s new film Moonrise Kingdom continues to be well received by critics. The story of two 12-year-olds who fall in love and run away relies on masterful storytelling and a stellar cast featuring Bruce Willis, who was John McClane in Die Hard, to captivate the audience.
Reviewers forgot to stress the importance of saying positive things about Wes Anderson movies even if they aren’t particularly good so that people who are more hip than you will think you are cool, too.
SATURDAY JUNE 23
People love nothing more than finding things out that are sure to piss them off. That’s why The Enquirer collected, analyzed and put into a photo slideshow the executive pay data for the region’s top 33 publicly traded stock companies. Now people can find out what their current and former overseers get paid for doing their jobs with just a few clicks of the mouse. CityBeat will soon have a similar function on its website. It should be ready soon, since it will work like a Magic 8-Ball that tells searchers that their bosses either make “too much,” “mass more than you” or “nothing he/she will be able to take with them when they die in a house fire like they deserve to.”
SUNDAY JUNE 24
CNN reports that Facebook recently unveiled a new feature that will let users see if any of their friends are nearby in real life, or IRL if you spend too much time on the computer. The mobile app was released on Monday but pulled only a day later after critics derided it as a “stalking tool” that could set up super awkward situations and other things which remind you that hell is other people. Facebook’s fiscal analysts agreed to pull the app but did cite the potential economic benefit of making this creepin’ aid free to the public, then creating an app to create legally binding restraining orders that will cost 99 cents per use.
MONDAY JUNE 25
The U.S. Supreme Court today said “hell nah” to many parts of an Arizona law designed to fight illegal immigration by racially profiling people. It wasn’t a total victory for those who don’t love America and think a nation built by immigrants will be ruined by them, as the court let a provision stand that allows police to check a person’s immigration status while enforcing other laws. The police simply have to say they have “reasonable suspicion” that the person they’re fuzzing on might be in the country illegally. Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in the majority opinion that “the National Government has significant power to regulate immigration.” He also wrote that “it is not surprising that this law came from Arizona because that’s the state where they just started celebrating Martin Luther King Day in 1992, and probably only because the NFL wouldn’t let them host a Super Bowl until they toned down their overt racism just a little bit.”
TUESDAY JUNE 26
The $165 million of Music Hall renovation has been held up for weeks by ownership and project financing issues. City Council members and representatives of arts groups are trying to come to an agreement soon so that the project can progress. “It’s time City Hall got out of the music business” was a sentiment expressed by several members of the arts community. Patrons of the arts stopped short of adding that musicians should stay out of City Hall business because musicians are trained on how to work together and function as one perfectly timed harmonic symphony rather than arguing about things as they fall apart.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: email@example.com