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May 16-22: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · May 23rd, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY MAY 16

Know how to not get sued by a small bank chain? Don’t allegedly carry out fraudulent schemes. Such advice would have been good for Fifth Third Bancorp to hear before it was sued today by a Virginia bank chain called First Bank & Trust Co that believes Fifth Third was aware that another company was purchasing $800,000 worth of cattle with money that proved to be pretend. Fifth Third lawyers are prepared to fight these charges vigorously and counter sue First Bank & Trust for being dicks and pointing out that Fifth Third employees look like heads of cattle with those stupid little gold pins on. 

THURSDAY MAY 17

Cincinnati loves baseball. This is reflected by April Arbitron ratings for WLW-AM which rose from 10.0 in March to 12.2 after the Reds’ season began. Listening to a ballgame on the radio has a timeless and classic American feel to it and is something which is shared and passed down between generations. Radio analysts have noted that Reds games have boosted WLW-AM’s popularity for many years. They also believe that the only way to get better ratings for the postgame time slot is for the Reds to lose so every drunken know-it-all in the Tristate will feel the need to call in and rant about how stupid Dusty Baker is and how Joey Votto should hit three home runs every game because they pay him a lot of money.

FRIDAY MAY 18

Park Hills Police Chief Cody Stanley’s proposed plan to shoot coyotes has been negatively received by residents and wildlife experts alike, who believe the plan is dangerous and ineffective. Since a pack of five coyotes was first seen in the Northern Kentucky city in January 2011, residents have reported seeing them a few more times.

Concerns about the animals becoming more brazen and less afraid of humans led Chief Stanley to purchase a special coyote killing rifle and sub-sonic rounds. A police spokesperson strongly urged visitors and residents of Park Hills to remain vigilant and not to loiter in front of any roadside signs promising “Free Bird Seed” until the coyote threat has been neutralized.

SATURDAY MAY 19

If you aren’t careful about how you phrase the embarrassing and depressing realities which meld together to form your life, it can be easy to start thinking about how shitty it is and that it will never get any better than it is. That’s why some brilliant person came up with the term “staycation” to describe being too poor to spirit away to a magical place of relaxation and adventure. Instead of actually going places and doing fun things, some homeowners are opting to improve their backyards by purchasing patio furniture, fire pits and water features. Most staycation seating areas are strategically set up so that the fire pit will create a natural barrier between the owners of the house. This way, any irate gazes and scowls caused by “vacationing” in the backfuckingyard are obscured by plumes of smoke from time to time.

SUNDAY MAY 20

The moon passed between the sun and the earth today, causing a solar eclipse to occur. Also, a NATO Illuminati New World Order summit kicked off in Chicago. Many protesters were arrested, and the combination of a crazy planetary event and heated political protest combined to offer citizens of the world a real “this is all going to end soon” vibe. Fortunately, President Barack Obama addressed the press today and reminded them that the Cubs lost 6-0 today and that things are fine and “the same as they ever were.”

MONDAY MAY 21

The Zanesville Sheriff’s Office is investigating the seemingly cursed farm where dozens of exotic and angry animals were set free by their suicidal owner last autumn, only to be mowed down by authorities as if they were playing one of those truck stop hunting video games. A month after leopards, bears and primates were returned to the farm and the owner’s widow, horses were reported outside the farm three days in a row. The Sheriff’s Office plans on instructing the woman to have a sit down with all of the animals left on the property and have the “this isn’t a revolving door farm and you can’t just come and go whenever you feel like it” talk.

TUESDAY MAY 22

R&B and Hip Hop star Usher Raymond testified in an Atlanta court today at a hearing regarding his ex-wife and their bitter custody dispute. The singer described an occasion during which his ex-wife spat at his girlfriend and tried to do the opposite of “make love in this club” and beat her up. Usher’s girlfriend is expected to provide her recollection of the incident tomorrow and do her best to not say “next thing I knew, she was all up on me” or any other Usher lyrics no matter how pertinent they seem.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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