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April 25-May 1: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · May 2nd, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
voices_wwe"No anti-skating knobs!"

WEDNESDAY APRIL 25

Those of us who worry about always being poor can take solace in the fact that if you do somehow end up wealthy things get easier and easier, at least when it comes to the convenience associated with having your own caviar-creating fish in the neighborhood. The Enquirer reported today that Indian Hill Village Council has approved a plan to stock some of its lakes with 1,000 fish that, after about eight to 12 years, will be harvested to make delicious, local caviar. Readers might wonder why they should care about a stupid story like this. WWE! would like to point out that if you ever have a chance interaction with an Indian Hill resident who has some of this caviar, you won’t have to hear him or her talk about which seldom travelled area of the planet it was acquired from (“I’m a locavore, unlike those rogues over in Madeira”). This will help Indian Hill people more easily segue into telling you about other material possessions and vacation homes that they have and you never will. 

THURSDAY APRIL 26

It’s very rare that someone talks about hoping the president dies and something good comes out of it, but that seems to have happened. ABC News today reported that Ted Nugent has been cut from the Fort Knox Army base’s annual summer concert in response to his comments to the National Rifle Association that he’ll be dead or in jail by this time next year if President Obama is reelected. While Nugent was not charged following a Secret Service probe in response to his remarks, which also including stating that conservatives should chop the heads off members of Obama’s administration, he might still have to answer to all of the people who don’t understand how he was expected to entertain our troops in the first place since he hasn’t had a hit song in like 35 years.

FRIDAY APRIL 27

Americans are getting closer to that great day in the future when it will be possible to get a DUI and speeding ticket at the same time on a riding mower.

A new riding lawnmower by chainsaw/mower company Husqvarna reportedly reaches speeds up to 7-8 mph, which is kind of fast for a lawn mower. Engineers suggest that this is but the tip of the iceberg and that one day riding mowers will come with a system of tubes so that drunk ass dudes who wear beer helmets while performing their landscaping chores will be able to power their mowers with the copious amounts of urine their failing livers, kidneys and cans of beer combine to produce.

SUNDAY APRIL 29  

Forever alone! The Enquirer reported an interesting story today about how Cincinnati in 2010 had one of the highest rates of people living alone in the U.S. — 43 percent, which ranks in the top three percentages in the country. There’s a lot to be said for living the life of frozen pizzas and not being able to find anything to watch on TV because you’ve already seen it, or at least heard it while sleeping on the couch through it. Insights about how all the single ladies should keep their heads up while living solo are schedule to be detailed in next Sunday’s paper. Fortunately for all the bros out there, today’s edition came with clearly stated and logical advice, including to “continue obsessively following sports to make their inability to form lasting, meaningful relationships” to help their lives seem less depressing.

MONDAY APRIL 30

The Cincinnati Park Board is making progress on the new Smale Riverfront Park at The Banks, including adding aluminum knobs to the tops of walls to deter skateboarding. The Park Board says it might work with community members to build a skate park sometime in the future but has not made any plans to do so yet. Presently, city officials admit that there should be more areas where people who enjoy wheeled sports can do so legally. Image consultants have reportedly urged Cincinnati to emulate larger, “awesome” cities by becoming more accommodating to skaters, bikers and users of other self-propelled modes of transportation. Otherwise, visitors who have seen the locally filmed 1993 rollerblading classic Airborne might be disappointed to find out that Cincinnati isn’t really the kind of place a cool kid from California would move and that Devil’s Backbone might not be real, either.

TUESDAY MAY 1

Proving that scientists will study just about anything, an Indiana University scientist recently determined that shocking people with electricity can cause death. The electric-shocker in question is the Taser, which shoots 50,000 volts into a human in order to make their muscles not work anymore. The use of Tasers by law enforcement has faced criticism after more than 500 people have died since 2001 after getting shocked by them. Cincinnati attorney Mike Allen told The Enquirer that the study will be an important part of ongoing wrongful death lawsuits against the Taser’s manufacturer, which has already been accused of only testing them on the guys on Jackass and then telling the cops they work right.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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