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April 18-24: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · April 25th, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY APRIL 18

Cincinnati’s past was spotlighted nationally tonight by a new show on National Geographic Channel. The Decrypters episode focused on the haphazardly buried remains of 70 folks who were apparently down with Cincinnati before we had white tigers, sports stadiums and trendy arts districts. The bodies were discovered in 2010 when excavation work began on a parking garage in Washington Park across from Music Hall. Forensic anthropologists planned to examine the remains and share with the viewing audience their sensationalized theories about what type of stupid thing each person did to end up dead. Unfortunately, the bones that were examined showed no signs of zombie Nazis, vampire aliens or The Illuminati so it might be a while before any other shows of this ilk film in Cincinnati again.

THURSDAY APRIL 19

The Enquirer ran an article today titled “Before you sign, know risk of student loans” in which author Julie Heath stated that student loan debt has surpassed the nation’s credit card debt, totaling $1 trillion. It seems that trying to become educated in something you think you could be great at costs so much that it’s more likely to ruin your life than pave a path to your dreams. Readers are also advised not to take on more debt than they expect their first year’s salary to be, while journalists are advised not to take loans at all and to read Oliver Twist and The Grapes of Wrath a few more times to get an idea of what their post-graduate futures will be like. Continuing the hailstorm of information guaranteed to make all present college students feel great about their futures, Heath says, “heavy student loan debt can postpone or even prevent the attainment of some of life’s major milestones.” The article added that there is no point in buying a cute, cuddly kitten because it will just get old and sick and die in 14 or 15 years.

FRIDAY APRIL 20

For participants in cannabis culture, 4/20, 420, or 4:20 is Christmas, July 4th and Thanksgiving wrapped into one.

The annual date has evolved from being message board material and a secret stoner code to something much more widespread, as the amount of attention and notoriety the “holiday” gets has become so great that media entities such as CNN have begun writing stories about it. Users of cnn.com (both those who had eaten delicious weed brownies and those who hadn’t) today were puzzled by the lack of any articles on the site explaining how America would be different in any way if weed was decriminalized other than having fewer people in prison. 

SATURDAY APRIL 21

A 52-year-old woman from Brandon, Fla., is lucky to be alive after her boyfriend accidentally shot her while the two were hog hunting in Central Florida. According to a local TV news report, the boyfriend “walked out of the tent to look for the hog. When he heard some rustling in the woods, he fired again.” But instead of hearing the glorious sound of a hog getting kilt, the dude shot his girlfriend through both legs with his .30-caliber rifle. While getting shot is probably no fun and super painful, the fact that it happened while the lady’s man was mistaking her for a wild pig is likely to make this unfortunate sequence of events into something profitable, which could make this all a positive experience. The woman believes that her life has basically made into a “country music Mad Lib.”

MONDAY APRIL 23

Sixth Street was closed today between Race and Vine streets after an upper-floor window came loose from the long-closed Terrace Hotel and fell all the way to the street. No injuries were reported, and clean up crews quickly had the situation under control. Authorities are reportedly still trying to determine how this incident occurred and how it would have reminded them of something out of those Final Destination movies if some poor pedestrian had been cut clear in half by a falling window during his or her lunch break.

TUESDAY APRIL 24

When people with lots and lots of money decide to film a movie in your city, it’s good for the economy. At least that’s what is suggested by a new study by the Center for Economic Development at Cleveland State University. According to The Enquirer, the study found that a dollar of tax break results in $1.20 in economic impact and that the state’s $30 million investment since 2009 to date has resulted in 9,000 temporary jobs and more than 1,100 full-time jobs. The recent filming in Ohio of The Ides of March, The Avengers and other popular films has sent the none-too-troubling thought into the minds of many Ohioans that it apparently takes George Fucking Clooney and a cast of Marvel superheroes to do anything that benefits this state economically.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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