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April 11-16: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · April 18th, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY APRIL 11

People who believe that the Cincinnati streetcar plans are stupid have more reason to be pissed off today, as streetcar supporters celebrated the city choosing a design and manufacturer to build the first five streetcars. In order to comply with the federal Buy America program, the company, CAF USA, must build the streetcars using at least 60 percent domestic content, and final assembly of them must take place within the borders of this great nation. The city of Cincinnati is also considering offering discounted fares to riders who score at least 60 percent on a soon-to-be completed Streetcar Riding Hipster Grading program. Tips on how to score well on this test include talking often about how wrong it is to buy things from big box stores rather than neighborhood alternatives and knowing that it’s no longer cool to like bands after they crest the “100 friend” mark on MySpace.

THURSDAY APRIL 12

Have you been poor all year long and now all of the sudden Uncle Sam wants to stick his goddamned hand in your pocket, too? Fear not — The Enquirer’s “Tips on filing for an extension with IRS” expertly lists a bunch of excuses you can make to the taxman for not paying your annual tribute on time. Late penalties can be avoided by filing an extension, even if you need one because it took you a while to remember all the awful jobs you’ve worked in the past year and that you needed a W-2 for each of them. Other tips for dealing with the IRS include not telling their hawk-like employees that the “check is in the mail” or paraphrasing lyrics from Shaggy’s classic hit “It Wasn’t Me” when attempting to defend oneself from charges of tax evasion.

FRIDAY APRIL 13

A new survey found that the overall impression of downtown Cincinnati is up, with 63 percent of respondents believing downtown is safe and 70 believing it is clean, increases of 5 and 10 percent, respectively.

The Enquirer today reported that Downtown Cincinnati Inc.’s annual “Visit Survey” found the average visit downtown lasts 3.5 hours and results in more than $95 spent, an increase of 5.8 percent over 2010. To CityBeat employees whose downtown experiences usually involve longingly staring into shop windows and imagining what it would be like to be able to afford a piece of street meat from a hot dog vendor, the $95.77 spend-per-visit rate seems a bit high. When asked where DCI found the data which suggests that people go downtown and spend nearly $100 in just a few hours, a company representative admitted that “only surveying people wearing Bengals stuff down by Paul Brown Stadium on late Sunday afternoons in the autumn might have been wrong.”

SATURDAY APRIL 14

More than 600 people today were expected to attend an anti-tax rally on Fountain Square, the city’s most recognizable public space which happens to be beautifully maintained by tax money. In addition to being an awesome excuse to unfurl and wave Revolutionary War-era flags with slogans like “Don’t Tread on Me,” attendees planned on complaining about poor people being offered health care and how the American dream now sucks. Other discussion topics were to include “How Can God Be Almighty and All Powerful if a Muslim is President?” and “The Government Exists For One Reason: And That’s To Screw You Over.” 

SUNDAY APRIL 15

Even urban progressives who shop at a historic local market instead of a grocery chain store and then tell you about how awesome they are for doing so are tight with their money these days. Despite the rates being relatively low — first hour free, 50-cents per hour during weekdays and $1 per hour on weekends — some Internet commenters today stated they’ll no longer shop at Findlay Market due to the parking rate increase but “probably will continue to use foursquare to check in there every weekend so people think I’m cultured.”

MONDAY APRIL 16

According to ABC News, the Secret Service officials who have been protecting American interests abroad by spending lots of money on prostitutes in Colombia were better at being spies than originally thought. The officials reportedly “revealed their identities by boasting at a Cartagena brothel that they worked for President Obama” and that they were “here to protect him.” Brothel workers contacted police after one of the officials got into a dispute over $47. As one worker put it: “It wasn’t about the $47 as much as it was the dozen or so unfunny dick jokes the guy made about ‘protecting the president.’ ”


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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