WEDNESDAY APRIL 4
Since 2005, residents of Fort Thomas, Ky., haven’t been allowed to use bows and arrows. This is likely to change after a council meeting today in which members discussed the hypocrisy of living in a place referred to as a “fort” without being able to use all of the weapons that were commonly used during the era of forts and unruly natives. Council members decided that as long as private residences establish 50-yard safety zones (or their neighbors’ permission), shooting arrows around will be fine. It is also understood that if residents’ neighbors say “no” when asked, those with bows and arrows will be permitted to stage raids on their property and begin calling it their own. This is intended to keep with the authentic spirit of murder and intimidation, which first wrested control of this great nation from those who already lived here.
THURSDAY APRIL 5
A Waynesville, Ohio teen who got into trouble last week for wearing a T-shirt containing a message that makes a lot of sense will now be allowed to wear it, but only on April 20 to show support for the Day of Silence, which is a protest against the bullying of gay students. While school officials realize how much sense the “Jesus Is Not a Homophobe” message on the shirt in question makes, they remain wary of letting students wear things that point out the stupidity of hating on people for their sexual preferences. Gay rights groups and the student’s lawyer are said to be working on a compromise to this situation, which will reportedly involve the teen agreeing to only wear this shirt April 20 as long as straight students don’t wear shirts with the shitty bands stoners like on them for 4/20.
SATURDAY APRIL 7
Greater Cincinnati civic leaders are debating whether or not to ask for a sales tax increase to help raise the funds necessary for renovations at some of its longstanding institutions such as the Museum Center and Cincinnati Zoo.
But saving links to our city’s past costs money, and getting citizens from all of Cincinnati’s neighborhoods to agree to do so has proven to be problematic, according to The Enquirer. It has been reported that concessions must be made to appease civic leaders in some areas of the city. After much negotiation, representatives from the West Side are said to support this tax, although historians aren’t yet sure how using funds to restore the old hat-shaped neon sign in front of the Arby’s in Western Hills goes along with their preservation mission.
SUNDAY APRIL 8
Overrated quarterback and performer of circumcisions in the Philippines Tim Tebow today addressed a crowd of about 15,000 at a church/stadium in Texas. Tebow told parishioners “it’s OK to be outspoken about your faith” and lambasted other athletes who use their wealth and fame to have sex with the most beautiful women in the world and/or do the highest quality drugs available. Toward the end of his sermon, Tebow noted that since being traded from the Denver Broncos to the New York Jets he better understands all of the crap that Jesus had to go through. Noting that being forced to play in a city full of Jewish people for a head coach who makes foot fetish videos is a test of his faith, the young athlete promised to remain steadfast … unless God keeps him on the bench behind a Hispanic quarterback for the whole season.
MONDAY APRIL 9
Cat litter company Tidy Cats last week angered Over-the-Rhine residents by putting up a billboard a mile north of the neighborhood for its new campaign entitled “NoMorePU” which read “You’re so over Over-the-Rhine. Life stinks.” In response to the social media backlash that followed the billboard’s creation, Tidy Cats today took the billboard down and asked those who were offended to forget that the litter company thought it was funny to say their neighborhood smells like cat piss. An initial plan to make amends, which involved offering free litter to cover the human poop found in big cities, was eschewed in favor of a simple, generic-sounding apology.
TUESDAY APRIL 10
Miami Marlins manager and regular jackass Ozzie Guillen today was suspended for five games for insulting just about everyone in Miami by recently professing his love for Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. While it is not surprising that Guillen’s mouth has gotten him into trouble again, few could have predicted that he’d only manage five games for his new team before this occurred. Guillen, who has been suspended in the past for directing gay slurs at sports reporters, said today that he is sorry for lauding a man so reviled that many Miamians traversed shark-infested waters in leaky rafts to escape from him. He also plans to stop telling people that, “when Hitler was in power the trains ran on time.”
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: email@example.com