WEDNESDAY MARCH 21
Americans like to multitask, as long as it doesn’t involve trying harder at their place of employment. That’s why driving and texting has become such a problem. The Kentucky Office of Highway Safety states that cellphone use while driving has caused 186 crashes so far this year. A story in today’s Enquirer asserts that Kentuckians who take their eyes off the wheel for 4.5 seconds to send a text message are basically “driving the length of a football field blindfolded.” This eye-opening expose is likely to be syndicated nationally, although the part about the football field might be edited to reflect how far people outside of Kentucky who don’t regularly drive at 90 miles-per-hour on the highway will travel during the 4.5 seconds it takes to send a text.
THURSDAY MARCH 22
The way in which things are described plays an incredible role in how they are perceived. After years of happily selling beef that contained an ammonia-treated filler, supermarket chains Kroger Co. and Stop & Shop today announced that they would no longer carry products containing it. The decision to do so came after the filler, generally referred to as “lean, finely textured beef,” began being referred to as “pink slime” in the media. The supermarket chains are said to be debating whether it would be cheaper to hire an outside company to dispose of the thousands of pounds of pink slime they have or hire Marc Summers to host episodes of Double Dare at each chain’s Christmas party.
FRIDAY MARCH 23
Since The Beach Waterpark told those who bought 2012 season passes before the park went out business that they wouldn’t be getting refunds, more than 172 complaints have been filed with Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine’s office.
Instead of giving people their money back, pass holders were made eligible for what up to $200 in discounts to such area attractions as Kings Island, Coney Island, Ozone Zipline Adventures, Dave & Busters and Mason recreational facilities. A spokesman with DeWine’s office said the offer seemed pretty reasonable, particularly noting how quickly the zipline place can fling people through the air.
SATURDAY MARCH 24
Pro football pundits have been weighing in on the Cincinnati Bengals free-agent signing of former New England Patriots running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis. While Green-Ellis has a reputation for not fumbling and being a good player, some of the more cynical Bengals analysts believe that the only reason team owner Mike Brown made the deal is because he thought that BenJarvus Green-Ellis was two players.
SUNDAY MARCH 25
Geraldo Rivera has been doing stupid things for a really long time. Whether it be blowing up stuff underground in Chicago for two hours looking for Al Capone’s vault or catching chairs with his face while hosting his talk show, over the years he has been a part of many a journalistic trainwreck. Geraldo may have outdone himself this week by offering the following response to the shooting death of unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin: “I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was.” In a related issue, a Gallup poll suggests that looking like Mr. Pringles is as much responsible for people thinking Geraldo is a scumbag as the minority-blaming bullshit that comes out of his mouth.
MONDAY MARCH 26
Rick Santorum’s outburst against New York Times reporter Jeff Zeleny has been gaining lots of attention. Santorum lashed out in response to a question about Mitt Romney’s health care record, saying “stop lying … quit distorting my words ... if I see it, it’s bullshit.” Sarah Palin supported Santorum getting streets with the reporter, who Palin characterized as “that liberal leftist in-the-tank-for-Obama press character.” Palin also believes Zeleny is the kind of asshole who has a nicer and newer phone than you and would make fun of you for not knowing as much about sushi as he does. Santorum was relieved to receive Palin’s support and quick to note that he only gets in half as much trouble with the Lord for using foul language because he goes to church.
TUESDAY MARCH 27
A drug dealer who went on the lam in 2005 before being sentenced today was taken back into custody, but the offender departed for lunch during his trial, never to return. The Enquirer described the defendant’s run from the law as a “7-year lunch,” which also can be used to described what happens when visiting a dim sum restaurant in Amsterdam.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: email@example.com