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March 14-20: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · March 21st, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY MARCH 14

A UPS commercial slated to run throughout the NCAA men’s basketball tournament has ruffled the feathers of fans of the team shown getting powned in it. In 1992’s East Regional Final, Duke’s Christian Laettner hit a buzzer-beating jumper in the University of Kentucky’s face at the end of overtime. This ended UK’s season in a most chafey fashion, as evidenced by the sentiment expressed by Wildcats fans 20 years later. Sen. Ernie Harris is a UPS pilot, UK graduate and chairman of the Senate Transportation Committee. This makes him the most qualified person in the universe to comment on this, and he thinks it would be wise for UPS to “pull the ad.” UPS plans to continue running the ad, releasing a statement noting that the rights to the clip were expensive and that it is not the company’s fault that UK coach Rick Pitino wasn’t smart enough to guard the guy making the inbounds pass.

THURSDAY MARCH 15

Frisch’s has been serving Big Boys since before the Revolutionary War, so it should go without saying that they know what’s up in the food game. Unfortunately, Frisch’s Restaurants Inc. today announced that it will sell off 29 Golden Corral buffets, ending their affiliation with the leaders in the field of Hoveround-based snackin’ and home of the chocolate waterfall. Chief Financial Officer Mark Lanning told The Enquirer that the board decided Golden Corral wasn’t the place to put the company’s capital. Lanning also stated that Frisch’s “failed to anticipate that visitors would eat pounds of the sodium-rich slop we called food, go outside and smoke two cigarettes, then come back for more.” 

FRIDAY MARCH 16

Presidential election decider and street artist Shepard Fairey has been named the recipient of ArtsWave’s Rosa F. and Samuel B.

Sachs Fund Prize. Fairey will reportedly touch down on March 29 to accept the award at Cincinnati’s Contemporary Arts Center. Fairey gained mainstream notoriety after creating “Hope” posters supporting Barack Obama’s presidential candidacy in 2008. In addition to DJing a party afterwards and getting lots and lots of money, Fairey told reporters he is hard at work “figuring out if it is possible to use art in any way that would make Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum appear cool.”

SUNDAY MARCH 18

In this week’s “Image Rules” column, Enquirer contributor Jill Haney responded to an anonymous reader who asked how to handle “Facebook status updates that seem to be increasingly useless and narcissistic.” Haney, who is touted as a “professional style and etiquette advisor” advises de-friending people who annoy the piss out of you. Another rule of thumb for social media use, which Haney shared with her teenage sons, is that “they shouldn’t post anything they don’t want their grandmother to read.” When contacted by WWE!, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg responded to Haney, saying: “Either nobody listens to her advice or a lot of people have grandmothers who enjoy reading stupid political posts, general complaints and lengthy descriptions of things their kids are doing that every kid ever born does.”

MONDAY MARCH 19

The Associated Press reported today that a federal court has ruled that a new law requiring cigarette packages to include gross warnings and restricting how cigs may be marketed is constitutional. Tobacco companies currently have two cases against the federal rules which would mandate that they place large images on cigarette packs that show all the awful things cigarettes do to different parts of your body. In one case, a federal judge in Washington blocked the new requirement, arguing last month it violated free speech. Mediators are seeking a compromise in which one side of cigarette packs would show cancer-ravaged organs on a surgeon’s scale and the other would depict Joe Camel in a button down, simultaneously hustling a billiards table while making suggestive looks to some of the sexy camels who are staring at him.

TUESDAY MARCH 20

Rick Santorum told reporters today he disagreed with statements made by a pastor during a church service Santorum attended Sunday. Rev. Dennis Terry reportedly told followers he was “tired of people telling us as Christians that we can’t voice our beliefs or we can’t no longer pray in public. Listen to me. If you don’t love America, and you don’t like the way we do things, I’ve got one thing to say, get out!” Santorum said he didn’t clap during that part because that’s not how he feels. Santorum also relayed a similar experience of not clapping to let the world know he doesn’t agree with stuff that occurred when he stopped at a red light next to a car full of teenagers playing Notorious B.I.G. and Bone Thugs N Harmony’s “Notorious Thugs” really loud.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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