THURSDAY MARCH 1
The New York Times reported today that Mike Huckabee will hold a GOP presidential forum on Saturday at a closed DHL plant in Wilmington, Ohio. Candidates Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich will attend the event, though Ron Paul won’t be in attendance due to what an aide described as a “pressing need to catch up on reading articles on Infowars.com.” Mitt Romney is the favorite to steal the show, as pundits believe the forum will provide the perfect setting to describe his economic plans, including outsourcing millions of jobs so “the production of domestic goods will disappear, which means we’ll need to get everything from overseas, which will make this DHL plant busier than it ever was!”
FRIDAY MARCH 2
Methamphetamine cooks and cold and allergy sufferers alike will be affected by a bill passed today by the Kentucky Senate limiting the amount of medications like Mucinex D and Sudafed that can be purchased by Kentuckians per year. The goal of the bill is to increase restrictions on products that contain pseudoephedrine, which is a primary component of meth production. Opponents of the bill note that the practice of “smurfing,” which means buying products containing pseudoephedrine from many stores to avoid detection, will go on unchecked. Republican Floor Leader Robert Stivers II of Manchester said that while smurfing will still be a problem, he hopes that a provision in the bill that imposes additional charges on meth makers who “fake cough and sniffle while making their purchases” will help combat the nationwide epidemic of drug use.
SATURDAY MARCH 3
Well-compensated windbag Rush Limbaugh has said drug criminals should be sent to jail forever.
He’s also been busted for illegally obtaining OxyContin and apparently subsisting on a diet of pain pills and Double Stacks from Wendy’s. Although it’s hard to outdo yourself when it comes to being an asshole after you’ve been fired from ESPN for pointing out that black quarterbacks are black and that’s weird, Limbaugh recently did just that by calling a Georgetown law student a “slut” and a “prostitute” due to her views on contraceptives. Limbaugh further cemented his reputation by stating, “if taxpayers are going to pay for women to have sex, then they should post videos of their activities so everyone can watch.” Limbaugh has been contacted by quick-thinking Department of Justice interrogators, who believe that sex tapes of the talk-radio host could be effectively used to gain information from detainees because “seeing Limbaugh naked would break down even the most hardened detainees and make them cooperate.”
SUNDAY MARCH 4
Enquirer contributor Jill Haney shared more of her inexhaustible supply of obvious information with readers today in a piece titled, “Around the office, tread lightly with politics.” Haney’s experience as an image consultant has led her to this gem of enlightenment, along with specific tips on how to remove oneself from political discussions in the workplace. In addition to explaining the potential consequences of engaging in such discussions, readers are also advised that political slogans such as “If It Ain’t White, It Ain’t Right” are also frowned upon in the modern corporate environment. In next Sunday’s Enquirer, Haney will explain how “even though the handicapped bathroom is closer and cleaner, you really shouldn’t use it.”
MONDAY MARCH 5
CityBeat today announced that it has been acquired by Nashville-based SouthComm Inc., a media company that in recent years has purchased several altweeklies in mid-level markets. SouthComm CEO Chris Ferrell said in a statement that the company looks forward to having CityBeat as part of the SouthComm family of publications and that it is excited to expand into Cincinnati. Ferrell also explained his plans to increase productivity at CityBeat’s downtown office by installing programs on every computer intended to block websites featuring photos of cats in amusing poses accompanied by humorous text, which have apparently been a point of contention for CityBeat managers since the company first got the Internet back in 1998.
TUESDAY MARCH 6
The University of Cincinnati today unveiled the Adidas adizero uniforms the Bearcats basketball team will wear during the postseason. In addition to looking awesome, the new uniforms are 40 percent lighter than those worn during the regular season. A crispy looking jersey and the fact that the Bearcats are NCAA Tournament-bound pleased nearly all Ohioans, though Gov. John Kasich was reportedly quite crestfallen to learn that the lack of numbers on the jerseys shown at the unveiling was because they were prototypes and not the result of cuts in education funding.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: email@example.com