WEDNESDAY FEB. 22
In response to a stunning show of disrespect for the office of the President of The United States, State Rep. Vernon Sykes (D-Akron) today called for Ohio House Speaker Bill Batchelder (R-Medina) to apologize for joking over the weekend at a Republican Lincoln Day dinner that the leader of the free world should be imprisoned. Batchelder reportedly said, “The liberals are asking us to give Obama more time … and I think 25-to-life would be a good start.” A Batchelder assistant today clarified the speaker’s intentions in front of reporters while casually swinging a stick shaped like a golf club: “The only thing Bill is going to apologize for is screwing up the punchline. He was supposed to specify that Obama should be sent to a terrorist jail that’s not in America because he’s not American and shouldn’t be allowed inside The White House.”
THURSDAY FEB. 23
Everyone has Facebook friends that post stupid shit that nobody cares about all the time. Fortunately, a legal precedent might have been set today when a Hamilton County judge ruled that Mark Byron violated a previous protective order by his wife when he posted a rant about her on the social networking site. Domestic Relations Court Magistrate Paul Meyers found Byron in contempt and ordered him jailed for 60 days. The magistrate then ordered Byron to post an apology to his wife for 30 days on his Facebook wall if he wanted to avoid being on MSNBC Lockup and eating Tijuana Mamas in a cell with another dude. Even though this case seems to raise a lot of First Amendment questions, legal experts hope they can put spin on this in the future and somehow threaten with incarceration people who post their daily horoscopes and Farmville requests.
Cincinnati’s new human relations director left her last job in Detroit after controversy about a severance payout. Georgetta Kelly will become director on March 19. According to The Detroit Free Press, Kelly has denied any involvement in the $200,000 payout to an employee who voluntarily left a county job to become CEO of the airport. The problem with Kelly’s assertion seems to be that her signature appears on some of the documents related to the payout. Some have suggested that hiring a high-ranking county employee who was involved in this sort of scandal at her last job could pose a problem for Cincinnati. City Manager Milton Dohoney refuted those claims, stating: “I focus on her job performance in Detroit. I didn’t even know they still had jobs up there, but somehow she found a way to fire people regularly.”
SATURDAY FEB. 25
The Kentucky Supreme Court has upheld the 61-day suspension from the practice of law imposed upon lawyer and radio blowhard Eric Deters. Deters was originally faced with a 181-day suspension after “an inquiry commission of the Kentucky Bar Association charged him with 19 counts of misconduct based on six separate complaints,” according to The Enquirer. Deters was represented by Larry Forgy, a lawyer who might be even less fit to practice law than him. In reference to the fact this client’s suspension didn’t end up being as long as first threatened, Forgy stated that the real victory was Deters being granted the right to continue calling himself “The Bulldog” in Kentucky as long as he wants to.
SUNDAY FEB. 26
Millions of men today instantly regretted deleting the contents of their spam folders without giving any of the contents of it a look-through, after an ABC News article appeared on its website with the headline “New York Man ‘Grows’ Six Inches Through Surgery.” Site administrators say the article was the most viewed article on their online platform but conceded that “most people probably quit reading as soon as they figured out it was about a cosmetic limb-lengthening procedure and not, well, you know.”
TUESDAY FEB. 28
Residents of The Lakes of West Chester Village apartment complex will soon face $200 fines if Summit Management Services proves they’re not picking up after their dogs that shit everywhere. By using its “Poo Prints” DNA program, the owners hope to identify the culprits and put a stop to the problem. Dogs in the complex will have a swab taken from their gums so DNA profiles can be created. Residents originally bristled after being informed they would have to pony up $50 to help cover the cost of the program, but acquiesced when their landlords agreed to allow a few concerned male residents to arrange DNA tests on their wives and children to “make sure everything checks out.”
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