WEDNESDAY FEB. 8
There are certain aspects of a son’s arrest story that a proud father can focus on rather than considering the fact that his own flesh and blood is potentially a delinquent (“He ran from the cops and it took two hours to catch him? Not surprised — kid’s a great athlete.”). U.S. Rep. Steve Chabot found no such silver lining in the story of his 22-year-old son’s Sunday arrest for allegedly breaking into an Oxford building and pulling a fire alarm, today releasing a statement that read: “Every family faces challenges at times. Ours is no different.” Those close to the family believe Chabot is more upset about his son’s indiscretion than he has let on, most notably because he passed up an opportunity to praise his kid for telling police that the confession he gave earlier in the night “didn’t sound like something he would do,” which made at least one interrogating officer laugh a lot.
THURSDAY FEB. 9
We at WWE! have never been in an election because public speaking makes us feel nervous ever since someone recommended picturing everyone in the audience naked — very distracting. That’s why we don’t really understand why President Obama today compromised on his plan to force religious organizations to pay for birth control for workers just because some potential voters think God doesn’t want them to use birth control and having free access to it might put them on His bad side. Obama’s new plan requires insurance companies to provide birth control for free if the employer won’t, which Democrats view as a compromise much more reasonable than God turning that woman into salt just for looking over her shoulder when she was walking by herself.
FRIDAY FEB. 10
When you live in a place where everyone knows what high school each other attended, the world can seem like a pretty small place, rife with recurring themes such as people from rich neighborhoods beating you at sports as a youth and in the job market as an adult.
The country of Iceland has even bigger concerns regarding its close-knit population — the potential for people to accidentally mate with someone in their family (kind of makes the whole St. X-Elder rivalry seem a little silly...). The solution for Iceland, whose population is roughly the size of Cincinnati, was to create an online incest database allowing users to rule out any familial overlap of prospective mates, once they use Facebook to determine whether or not he or she might have slept with any of their unsavory mutual friends.
SATURDAY FEB. 11
The Enquirer today published its list of “20 Professional Women to Watch in 2012,” a collection of successful women in public and private positions of power that for some reason included the newspapers own editor (congrats, Carolyn Washburn — your employees are way loyal!). CityBeat would like to nominate its own Jacqueline Kern for any future non-credible and self-congratulatory prestigious lists of women The Enquirer might be planning: “In 2012: Jac Kern oversees CityBeat’s Arts & Culture coverage both in print and online. Her goal: Offer thoughtful collection of local arts coverage, along with informative TV column with the occasional F-bomb in the headline. Resident of: Mount Auburn. Age: 24. Family: Has a family.”
SUNDAY FEB. 12
Recording artist Whitney Houston might have abruptly died last week during preparations for the Grammy Awards, but the real tragedy was the news overshadowing both the show and the most important industry news of the week — Beyonce and Jay-Z giving the media pictures of their baby for the first time. The photos show a very small baby with black hair and a pretty normal-looking face, holding her hands as if she were moving them. The collection includes five photos of the 1-month-old baby, including two of each parent holding her, along with a statement that reads: “What’s 50 grand to a baby like me can you please remind me?”
MONDAY FEB. 13
At first, today’s news that Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has been scheduled to appear at a Brown County Republican Party dinner next week didn’t mean much to those of us who don’t know where the [expletive] Brown County is. And even though the news was only slightly more meaningful once the area was described by a colleague as “up by Middletown — buncha rednecks and poor people” (good one, Breen!), the fact that an actual branch of a political party would invite Santorum anywhere seemed like news worth investigating. It turns out he was invited by Brown County Republican Party Vice Chairman Maria Votel, who said she had been working on luring Santorum to the area since the Iowa caucuses and became even more interested when she heard about his belief that contraceptives are just a way for freaky people to bang each other all day instead of getting pregnant and being productive members of society.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org