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Jan. 25-31: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · February 1st, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
wwe_schmidt"I just like autographs."


During tonight’s State of the Union Address, President Barack Obama proposed that high school students be required to stay in school until they are 18, no matter how many grades they fail. According to the Department of Education, Obama intends this planned reform as “encouragement” to the 30 states that don’t currently mandate it. A reporter from Ohio asked Obama how his proposal could bring change since Ohio currently requires dropouts to be 18, yet the state’s percentage of school-quitters still exceeds the national rate. Obama’s response included a detailed account of how the state of our union can’t get stronger if a bunch of young adults are living in the same neighborhood they grew up in and still fighting people over shit that happened in high school. 


State Rep. Ron Maag (R-Salem Twp.) wasn’t satisfied with last year’s legislation that allowed Ohioans concerned about their penis size safety to carry guns into arenas, restaurants and bars. That’s why he introduced House Bill 422 and House Bill 425 this week, which would make it totes legal for gun permit holders to keep their heat a secret when approached by police officers. Maag is currently compiling data from his collection of bar napkin sketches depicting heroic scenes of violence. Once finished, he plans to bring House Bill 435 before Ohio lawmakers, which will decree that when insulted by another gun permit holder the ensuing duel must take place at least 500 feet from a school.


People usually ask for autographs from people they are huge fans of, or people whose signatures they can sell for some quick cash. That’s why Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Miami Twp.) asking President Barack Obama for an autograph seems kind of weird.

After all, Schmidt supports the assertion that Obama was born inside some foreign terrorist camp and shouldn’t even be president. Disappointingly, when queried by the media Schmidt’s spokesperson Barrett Brunsman denied to disclose what Schmidt does with the State of the Union memorabilia she hoards. Brunsman also would not confirm or deny the rumor that Schmidt keeps needing new pictures of the president because she always ends up drawing a Taliban-style beard and headscarf over Obama’s face no matter how hard she tries not to.


Those of us who have kids know that they don’t do anything you ask them to, and when they try to they don’t do a very good job. Chris Bergman and Paul Armstrong have created a new app that aims to create a workaround for this conundrum. Private investors and CincyTech thought so highly of the duo’s ChoreMonster app that they’ve decided to invest $350,000 in it. The app combines monsters that look like characters from Pixar movies and parents who can’t get their children to remember which way the toilet paper roll goes on the dispenser in hopes of getting better cleaning results by boys and girls. A CincyTech representative declined comment on a possible correlation between parents buying iPhones for their young children and the children being little shits who won’t do their chores.


Occupy protestors and union members descended on the Super Bowl Village in Indianapolis over the weekend. They plan on showing their displeasure over the state’s proposed “right to work” legislation, which makes union membership optional rather than required in many professions. Numerous media outlets were unable to quantify how many protestors were in attendance, with the Indianapolis Star declaring that it “was hard to tell who was there to protest the bill and who was there to protest that doctor fucking up Peyton Manning’s neck surgery and causing the Colts go from 13-3 to 3-13 in one year.”


Bengals wide receiver Jerome Simpson finally had to appear in court today, months after The Man intercepted and tracked a big ol’ package full of weed from California to his residence. It’s hard to slither off the hook once the fuzz finds 2.9 pounds of incredibly strong and tasty weed, scales and smoking devices in your house. Simpson hopes his attorney, Burr Travis, can help him there. Simpson pleaded not guilty to the charges brought against him, for which he faces up to 5 years in prison. His legal representative seems to have an excellent defense planned for his client. According to Travis, “At no time did Simpson touch the package.” Travis also explained that even if the weed were sent to him, his client “would have juggled then dropped it.”


Newt Gingrich remained unfazed today, even as polls suggest that he lags far behind Mitt Romney in the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Today’s primary in Florida is likely to create more of a gap between Gingrich and Romney in polls. In response to questions about how he could make up ground in the Sunshine State, Gingrich said he “hopes that a lot of the people who support Mitt die of old age between now and election day” and that his campaign gurus can somehow “spin the stuff about how I pushed for open marriages with my wives in a positive way.”

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com



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