WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING INSTEAD OF THIS?
 
Home · Articles · Columns · Worst Week Ever! · Jan. 18-24: Worst Week Ever!

Jan. 18-24: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · January 25th, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
1wwe1937

WEDNESDAY JAN. 18

Wikipedia today protested all the acronyms trying to make it a real pain in the ass to upload, download and watch pirated material online by blacking out its English-language articles for 24 hours. Wikipedia, and many other internet companies, worry that passage of the Stop Online Piracy Act or other legislation like it will make legitimate file and information sharing online more difficult in the future. Once the 24-hour ban is lifted, Wikipedia users will be able to search “January 18 SOPA Protest” and be directed to a page likely to inform readers that the site blackout was caused by Godzilla, Rick Astley or Mitt Romney’s penis, depending on who was the last person to edit the page. 

THURSDAY JAN. 19

When times are boring or tough, liquor provides a quick, rocket-fueled escape from all of one’s problems. That’s why the great people of Ohio blew the old record of dollars spent on liquor in a year out of the water in 2011. Ohioans spent $793.7 million on liquor last year, which means we had $40 million worth of problems more than we did in 2010. David Goodman, director of the Ohio Department of Commerce, told The Enquirer that “this is a positive indicator for Ohio’s economy, showing that Ohioans are again patronizing restaurants and entertainment businesses.” Goodman later cited the recent increase in purse snatchings and theft of copper as evidence that “people are getting out and about more these days.”

FRIDAY JAN. 20

The Enquirer’s Cliff Radel informed readers today that not all of the historical lore out there about the devastating Ohio River flood of 1937 is true. Apparently, it’s not really true that houses floated down the river and came to rest elsewhere completely intact, despite many tales told by locals over the years.

Radel went on to explain that the floating house stories from the flood weren’t the only tall tales that came into existence during this time. While most people think all the photos from the flood look the same because cameras were only owned by the wealthy, the real reason is that even back then there were a bunch of douchey hipsters who used the sepia setting on their iPhones because they thought it was cool.

SATURDAY JAN. 21

Private clinics in Britain will soon be allowed to advertise their “planning services,” including abortion, on the telly. Previously, only non-profit clinics were allowed to do so. In an interview with The Telegraph, Mark Bhagwandin, from the pro-life charity Life, said: “This is an extremely disappointing decision ... I have no doubt that we will see a rise in abortions as a result of this.” USA Today later asked Bhagwandin what his reaction would be if the British government started allowing dentists to advertise on TV without restrictions and he replied, “I don’t know what dentists are.”

SUNDAY JAN. 22

Like many Ohioans, radio personality Eddie Fingers has struggled to find a job since he was canned by Clear Channel 16 months ago. Fingers worked for WLW and WEBN for 25 years before being let go in what he described as a salary dispute. Ever the optimist, Fingers says, “I still have a couple of irons in the fire, just waiting on that magical phone call.” When asked if he thought time had passed him by, Fingers responded: “No way. I just need someone to tell me they have two tickets to paradise, won’t you pack your bags we’ll leave tonight?” Fingers went on to explain that since he lost his job he’s “waited so long ... waited so long” and then air guitared the solo which comes after that part and left the room.

MONDAY JAN. 23

Reuters is reporting that Macy’s Inc. has filed a suit against Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc. Shockingly, it’s alleged that a Martha Stewart company violated the law. This time, instead of a “Wall Street”-inspired Gordon Gecko stab at insider trading, the company is accused of breaching its contract with Macy’s by agreeing to sell Stewart’s wares at rival retailer J.C. Penney. Stewart’s public persona as the rich, carefree chick all women dream of being has changed as a result of her battles in the corporate world. When asked if this suit could somehow potentially put Stewart back behind bars, she replied, “It could, but I can do time standing on my head. If I go back inside, nobody is going to be safe when I get back out on the streets. Anybody can get it.” Stewart also advised the interviewer that “placing mistletoe and pine cones in a heated wooded bowl is an effective, organic way to bring the natural scents of winter to life in your house.”

TUESDAY JAN. 24

Chris Smitherman and Charlie Winburn have proposed that police refrain from writing parking tickets outside City hall during council meetings. This is the kind of gesture that encourages the public to attend and be more involved with their local government, proponents say, because it can be costly for people who come to council meetings to pay meters $2 per hour. Vice Mayor Roxanne Qualls agreed, saying, “Council Members have a long and storied history of not getting anything done during their meetings, and I think to really appreciate how long and unproductive they are you have to see one live and in person.”


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
Close
Close
Close