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Jan. 4-10: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · January 11th, 2012 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY JAN. 4 

Cincinnati City Council’s Livable Communities Committee today passed a motion that requires the city to install multi-lingual signs on Fountain Square. Other cities, most of which have never unsuccessfully prosecuted members of their art community for trying to front like pictures of dongs can be considered anything other than obscenity, have displayed signs welcoming visitors in many different languages for years without adverse affects. While Cincinnati’s current “English Only” sign policy is favored by the barely literate “Speak American in America” crowd, some believe that visitors might feel less than welcomed by it. Local Tea Party members are upset that the motion was passed and are said to be in favor of creating “more cost-effective” signs depicting sombreros with circles around them and lines through them as a “better way to let foreigners know how we feel about them being in Cincinnati.”

THURSDAY JAN. 5

Former Washington hustler and current convicted felon Jack Abramoff dropped by Frankfort, Ky., to warn lawmakers that good people are capable of doing bad things. After being convicted of tax evasion, fraud and corruption charges, Abramoff served a three-and-a-half year prison sentence and was ordered to pay $44 million in restitution to victims of his various schemes. The Kentucky Legislative Ethics Commission paid Abramoff $5,000 plus expenses to speak for one hour about how the most important thing to do when you get popped is to tell everyone that you are still a good person. When asked if getting paid so much for doing so little sent a confusing moral message to those of us who aren’t felonious swindlers but still can’t make $10 an hour, the disgraced lobbyist said, “See, this is what I’m talking about, and don’t even get me started about the high-class ass and crystally cocaine that comes along with making this sort of cheddar.”

FRIDAY JAN.

6 

Moms and designer clothing appear to go as well together as hot chicks who haven’t had kids go with mom jeans, but that hasn’t stopped chain-store “Hot Mama” from signing leases to open two new stores in the area. The chain already has 22 stores in operation and arranges merchandise by which city’s “Real Housewives” the customer would like to emulate. The company’s PR department sent a release to the local media, promising to further explain how the chain works if the local media promised to not “make any references to FUPAs or MILFs” during the Q&A session.

SATURDAY JAN. 7

“The poor and hungry in Hamilton County have less of a chance of getting food stamps on time than anywhere else in the state,” according to a surprisingly thorough Enquirer story in today’s edition. Only 45 percent of applications for food stamps filed in November were processed on time, according to Ohio Job and Family Service data. After JFS policy makers realized the folly of assuming that all poor people got free turkeys on Thanksgiving so screwing up their benefits with such stunning regularity that month was NBD, the focus shifted to finding positives. Instead of attempting to blame this abysmal performance on everything from budget cuts to daylight saving time, a JFS spokesperson remarked that, “What Hamilton County lacks as far as helping those in need in a timely fashion our community more than makes up for by our residents’ quickness in making vaguely racist jokes about benefit applicants.”

SUNDAY JAN. 8

Today’s NFL playoff game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Denver Broncos was guaranteed to disappoint most local fans, as the rules of the game stipulated that either Ben Roethlisberger or Tim Tebow would emerge victorious. Fans of Jesus were quick to make mention of how interesting it was that Tim Tebow passed for 316 yards while leading the Broncos to a thrilling overtime victory, because “3:16” is the part of the Bible about the importance of having a football player make commercials telling women what to do with their bodies and whatnot. Atheists are now upset because the odds of Tebow passing for 350 yards next week in New England to make his playoff passing yards total “666” are practically nonexistent because of Tebow’s lack of accuracy and inability to make plays consistently.

MONDAY JAN. 9 

Cincinnati native Barry Larkin was elected to baseball’s Hall of Fame today. After playing for the Reds from 1986-2004, Larkin’s acceptance into the Hall of Fame cements his legacy as one of the best to ever play the game. Without using steroids, complex amphetamines or any other performance enhancing drugs, Larkin was a well-respected player who redefined his position. When asked if he could go back and change anything about his highly successful career here in the Queen City, Larkin opined, “Aside from having to dive for balls on the same turf Marge Schott let her St. Bernards take huge shits on, no.”

TUESDAY JAN. 10

Internet publication Pitchfork Media got its hands on the FBI’s file on Ol’ Dirty Bastard by filing a Freedom of Information Act request (whatever that is). Although the Feds linked the ODB and his rapper cronies to the “sale of drugs, illegal guns, weapons possession, murder, carjacking and other types of violent crime,” they stopped short of suggesting that “Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.”


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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