WEDNESDAY DEC. 28
According to police, approximately 215 hunters registered in Indian Hill have killed 209 deer so far this deer-hunting season. Hunters registered in the village must pass a background check and complete a hunter safety course in order to be allowed to shoot deer in the village. A reporter who sat in on one of the classes recently learned that the number of hunters and carcasses would be larger if most Indian Hill residents weren’t currently safari hunting in the Serengeti, or in Geneva conspiring with the international banking consortium on how to keep the poor poor. Another witness deduced that if the ratio between hunters and dead deer was the same as the ratio between Indian Hill residents and luxury SUVs, the “road safety” issues that justify hunting within the village would no longer exist.
THURSDAY DEC. 29
Hamilton County Auditor Dusty Rhodes and Treasurer Rob Goering might try to stop the deal proposed by Hamilton County commissioners to sell Drake Hospital for $15 million, which would have helped solve the stadium fund situation … for one year. Perhaps even more troubling than ceding control of a hospital rather renege on a property tax rebate that disproportionately benefits rich people was the misleading headline cincinnati.com used to describe the situation: “Auditor, treasurer could block Drake deal.” Dozens of complaints were submitted by disgruntled readers who at first glance momentarily thought local government was going to step in to stop the worst Canadian rapper since Snow from appearing on television and radio within the county’s borders and saying a bunch of dumb shit like “last name ever/first name greatest” and “I’m doin’ me” over and over again.
FRIDAY DEC. 30
If you go through life not seeing the good in things then you’ll always be sad and mad, and people with big vocabularies will call you a pessimist
SATURDAY DEC. 31
The Cincinnati Museum Center was evacuated this morning after a fire caused by a deep fryer broke out and sent 150 visitors outside. The Cincinnati Fire Department responded and restored order, permitting the Museum Center to reopen an hour after the fire broke out. A fire department spokesperson noted that they could have had the situation handled much more quickly if not for the Museum Center’s insistence that only mustachioed firefighters respond and that they use horse carts and a bucket brigade to douse the flames in order to be “historically accurate.”
SUNDAY JAN. 1
Drunken fans leaving the Bengals game at Paul Brown Stadium early this evening had more to blame than dozens of ounces of beer and “whiskey to stay warm” for being confused and having mixed emotions. Although Cincinnati lost its game, poor performances by three other teams vying for the final Golden Ticket to the playoffs resulted in the Bengals earning a spot in the postseason. A Bengals spokesperson went on to say “If you think these fuckers are confused now, wait ‘til they wake up next Sunday and find out the game was on Saturday!”
MONDAY JAN. 2
The lowest-paid workers in Ohio got a tiny bit less poor today, as minimum wage rose 30 cents, all the way up to $7.70 an hour. This stunning act of benevolence means that over the course of a year, a full-time minimum-wage worker will rake in $624 more. When asked about this looming gold rush for the lowest rung on the wage-earning ladder, an employee who wished to remain anonymous stated that because of the rising costs of everything under the sun this isn’t really a raise, but that she would “try to steal a little bit less” from her employer as a sign of gratitude.
TUESDAY JAN. 3
What do you get when two talentless schlubs get married? A divorce. HA! That’s what happened when singer Katy Perry and British actor Russell Brand tried to make their everlasting union last more than 14 months. Same-sex marriage supporters cite this publicity stunt of a wedding as yet another reason why it’s hateful and backwards to deny some people the ability to get married while allowing others to make a mockery of the ceremony of choosing a lifelong partner. While expressing their anger about not being able to get married even though they wouldn’t screw it up like celebrity couples usually do, the gay rights community also made clear that they have no qualms with Katy Perry because she named her cat “Kitty Purry,” which is so awesome that words can’t quantify it.
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