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Massive Opportunities

By Bob Woodiwiss · September 28th, 2005 · Estrangement in a Strange Land
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Hillenbrand Industries Inc.'s Hill-Rom subsidiary has launched a new product. The Excel Care bariatric [hospital] bed is designed for morbidly obese patients who weigh up to 1,000 pounds. The bed has reinforced frames and inflation devices that make it easier for obese patients to get out of bed and adjust their positions... (Press release) A catalog of distinctive gift and lifestyle items designed with the 1,000-pound individual in mind.

(If you have received this catalog in error, please pass it along to a 1,000-pound friend or relative.)

SufficiEntry Doorway System: It's an all too familiar story. A medical or pulled pork emergency suddenly arises. You have to leave the house. You go to the front door and ... oh, no, it's not big enough for you to get out. Leaving you the equally dissatisfying choices of calling the fire department or The Jerry Springer Show to chop a suitable exit. Well, no more. Once installed, our SufficiEntry System doubles the width of your door and doorframe so you can exit whenever and if ever you should feel the urge. Plus all SufficiEntry locksets and doorknobs extend a full 24 inches out from the door, far beyond traditional hardware, thus negating any vexing shortfall between one's arm length and one's body circumference.

The Schick Quattro4: Get your closest shave ever on two, three, even four chins. No matter how many blades there are on the razor you're using now, the simple fact is it's made for use on a single chin. And for today's multi-chinned megaman, that just won't cut it! So we asked Schick, the leading manufacturer of high-quality, innovative grooming products, to create a razor that would shave each subsequent chin just as close as the first. The result is our exclusive Schick Quattro4, with four titanium blades; a wider, beefier shaving track and a flexible cartridge that conforms to any chin shape or configuration, whether a series of round bulges or a cascade of loose folds.

Look your best ... chin after chin after chin.

Jolly Traveler Navel Safe: When out in the world, hypersubstantial individuals, perhaps because of our well-known commitment to a static lifestyle that precludes foot chases, are robbed more often than people of more mundane sizes. And with the average money belt barely able to wrap around one of our thighs, they're not going to do, quite frankly, a fat lot of good. But now there's the Jolly Traveler Navel Safe, a high carbon, case-hardened steel combination safe specifically designed to fit snuggly, comfortably, unnoticeably in the deep, deep hollow that is your navel ("innies" only). Simply place your money and/or valuables in the compact-but-capacious Navel Safe, slide its slender, tapering profile down into your bellybutton, then cover with a shirt or blouse (belly shirts not recommended). Your valuables are out of sight, out of harm's way.

Thick-Skinned Hardbodies: Certain desires of the flesh can, for the exuberantly fleshy, be difficult to satisfy. But not with these heavy-duty hotties. Whether you order the erect-and-sexy Rex or the orifice-rich, ravishing Rue, you get an inflatable date who's up for anything, even being on the bottom. And for any horny half-ton of fun, that's an intercourse of a different color! What's the secret? These totally lifelike copulating companions are first constructed of 30-gauge vinyl for unmatched toughness, then overlaid with a seamless 40-gauge rubber sheath for added strength and a skin-like suppleness. Translation: Get as risqué or as frisqué as you desire.

Chevrolet Orca S-You-V: This distinctive vehicle offers drivers comfort, luxury, safety and innovation, all with room for one -- you. Built on the same platform as the popular nine-passenger Suburban Sport Utility Vehicle, the Orca features remote control full-length sliding entry doors; ElectroLift driver loading arm; remote control acceleration and braking; periscope steering/navigation system that lets you drive while comfortably lying down; and 22 cup holders designed to double as burrito holders, triple as ice cream cone holders. Comes standard with dual front aerosol nacho cheese bags as well as side-curtain tortilla chip bags that deploy in any collision (or with optional manual override) so you're not only protected in the event of an accident, you'll have sufficient, life-sustaining rations to consume while waiting for emergency crews to arrive. Chevy Orca. Let's whale.

Cat Carapace: There's nothing worse than collapsing back into your favorite easy chair only to hear the muffled sound of your cat mewling its last beneath you. But without a complicated system of mirrors and/or closed circuit video monitoring equipment, it's generally not optically feasible to get a comprehensive view of the landscape behind and below you before dropping. That's why we invented Cat Carapace, a turtle-like shell constructed of Kevlar and rugged, high-density polymers. Cat Carapace with four side holes to accommodate kitty's legs, plus one on each end for head and tail/"business," quickly and easily snaps onto most cats. Meaning your feline friend maintains full mobility -- and dignity -- while gaining unparalleled protection from accidental flattening. There's no better way to show your pet that the biggest humans have the biggest hearts.



CONTACT BOB WOODIWISS: bwoodiwiss(at)citybeat.com. His column appears here the last issue of each month. His book, Keys to Uncomfortable Living, a collection of humorous and satirical essays, is in bookstores now.
 
 
 
 

 

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