WEDNESDAY DEC. 7
The ACLU today asked the Franklin County Jail in Columbus to reconsider its proposed plan to charge inmates a $40 fee for getting locked up. County Sherriff Zach Scott has been directed by county officials to find new sources of revenue. Scott became intrigued by the idea of pretending that jails are cool nightclubs and charging people to get in after learning that Butler County Sherriff Richard K. Jones does this. Scott was further impressed by Jones’ suggestion that if they focus solely on arresting illegal migrant laborers the county could set up one of them Casa De Cambios to exchange all the pesos they take off the street.
THURSDAY DEC. 8
The Gateway Community and Technical College’s school bookstore was robbed at knifepoint early this morning by 68-year-old student James Summers Jr. The assailant was booked hours later at Hollywood Casino, where he was presumably making sound investments with the money he took. Summers was able to get from Florence, Ky., (where the crime was committed) to Lawrenceburg, Ind., before being apprehended because an argument broke out between the 911 dispatcher and the employee who called to report the robbery over how Gateway College is a real place and not that commercial for internet college with that girl who talks about wearing pajamas to class and your free success kit.
FRIDAY DEC. 9
The Beech Acres RecPlex gym in Anderson Township was closed today because of a detectable amount of mercury vapor. Anderson Township Park District Executive Director Ken Kushner stated that the levels are within acceptable ranges, but they decided to err on the side of caution and close the gym. When asked how long the closure order might remain in effect, Kushner replied that it wouldn’t be too long since all they need to do to fumigate the site was round up a bunch of bros who like to wear Affliction shirts and Axe body spray while they work out and put them on a row of treadmills for about 45 minutes.
Thousands of folks went to a fight today, and a basketball game broke out! (That’s original material right there.) Anyhoot, today’s Crosstown Shootout between Xavier and the University of Cincinnati will go down in the annals of history as the game where one team soundly beat the other on the court, and the second team got mad and soundly beat the first on the court. The bloody fight, which looked like a scene from Road House and succeeded in drawing national attention to our fair city in a most negative manner, was regrettable for all parties involved. WWE! would like to remind you that what is most important at this time is to establish blame and cast aspersions on either UC or Xavier and insist that the fight and fallout from it are either the blue team or the red team’s fault.
SUNDAY DEC. 11
Ten years after knocking down most of the businesses between Calhoun Street and McMillan Avenue for a “multimillion dollar redevelopment,” construction has been scheduled to begin in January. The $78 million getting thrown at the barren wasteland will help turn it into 161 apartments, a collection of retail stores and a bunch of other things that will probably be of more use to neighborhood residents than the strip of concrete, grass and mud which has been there for the last decade. National retailers Great Clips, Firehouse Subs and Dibella’s Old Fashioned Submarines will lease some of the 80,000 feet of retail space. Opening two more places to get subs within a quarter mile of Quizno’s, Jimmy John’s and Potbelly doesn’t seem like the wisest thing to do. Project co-developer Arn Bortz conceded that having so many stores selling the same thing isn’t a good idea, but that when the plan was first drawn up “none of the other places had been built yet and you could still walk to the Arriving and Departing gates at the airport, no problem.”
MONDAY DEC. 12
National home improvement chain Lowe’s has gotten to be such a successful franchise because it listens to what its customers want and delivers it. Such a sensible approach to ensuring customer satisfaction apparently means that you have to react swiftly in the face of criticism. Smaller businesses would be well served to follow Lowe’s policies. For example, if some of your less-educated, more hateful customers get, like, totally pissed off because you advertised during a TV show called All American Muslim, that means you must immediately pull your ads and issue an apology in which you tell the world you are “sincerely sorry” for promoting your business during a show about people who aren’t Christians. Lowe’s issued another statement, promoting a “Buy 2, Get 1 Free” sale on lawn jockeys in their stores this holiday season.
TUESDAY DEC. 13
There are times, after a long day at the office, when you just need to unwind and your average chain restaurant won’t do (really bad days require laughing at some mope getting hurt on a mechanical bull in front of strangers). Unfortunately, there will soon be no more Cadillac Ranch in which to indulge. The downtown chain restaurant/nightclub has been purchased, and the new owners plan to revitalize the spot by creating a new menu and throwing the giant fake half-car in the Ohio River.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: firstname.lastname@example.org